Better Together

One of the more unpleasant side effects of my radiation treatment is that I have lost the ability to taste food. (Since I know you will ask, it is expected to correct itself in 3-6 months). Yes, it takes 99% of the joy away from the eating experience but that is not my focus for today. In the absence of being able to taste anything there has been a pronounced increase in one of my other sensory experiences- SMELL.

I smell everything with the clarity that I imagine a bloodhound might. I taught middle school for many years and one of my favorite experiences was the drug dog assembly each fall. No matter how many times I heard the same presentation I was fascinated, each time, by how they explained the canine's sense of smell. Where we as humans, under a normal set of circumstances, might smell Beef Stew- the dog smells the individual components of what's in your crock pot (beef, onion, carrots etc.). Yes I am a nerd. Yes I think that is SO COOL.

This morning all of my people slept in and I had a lovely quiet hour to myself. I made coffee, I cooked bacon, and I baked banana muffins. It was gloriously domestic and "normal". Which is a huge comfort for someone like me who hasn't experienced much "normal" in recent memory. I stepped outside for a few minutes and when I returned to the house I smelled each one of those items in a way that I might not have if my taste buds were functioning right now. Want to know something? Because I let it, the experience of SMELLING those tasty things was almost as good as eating them.

Aren't our bodies amazing? One sense is struggling and another steps up to the plate? My sniffer picked up where my mouth wasn't able to this morning and not only was I able to enjoy the experience but it reopened my eyes to the wonder of what God did when He "...formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man's nostrils, and the man became a living person." (Genesis 2:7, NLT). In the Psalms King David expressed, beautifully, what I experienced this morning when he said, "Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex. Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it." (Psalm 139:14, NLT). Despite a body that is, in many ways, broken- today I was given a practical reminder of the miracle of being alive.

Another thought that came to me as I reflected on this experience was the concept of the body of believers. Each of us has different gifting and things to offer in the kingdom as stated in 1 Peter 4:10 (NLT), "God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another." Ephesians 4:16 (NLT) says, "He makes the whole body fit together perfectly, as each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love." God designed bodies (both physical and spiritual) to work together for purposes greater than the individual parts. When those parts work together health and growth happen. Scripture also points out that sometimes individual members of the body will gather up some slack so the other parts can grow (sounds kind of like my nose and mouth coordinating this morning, eh?). Ephesians 4:9 (NLT) talks about this when it points out that, "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed."

Yes, my [physical] body is struggling right now- might be for longer than any of us is comfortable with. But, it is also finding ways to keep going. The stronger parts are filling in for the weak ones. The body of Christ is also rallying at this time in my life. More real, for me, than the physical toll is the mental toll of knowing that some of my "jobs" might be neglected during this time. Guess how many of those things aren't getting done... NONE. I have been surrounded by incredible members of God's body who are stepping up, filling the gaps, making things happen and the experiences are every bit as rich and fulfilling. I am aware that it does not diminish my role/part in the body, but my mind is at ease that while I am temporarily malfunctioning, others are (graciously, joyfully, and willingly) doing their part. The body is still "healthy and growing and full of love." in spite of me. Once again, perspective- it is never all about me!

Never forget, dear friends, that God has designed and gifted you fearfully, wonderfully, and uniquely. These offering are not just for your enjoyment but they bless those around you and, ultimately point back to Him. I am thankful, today, for reminders both practical and metaphorical that there is something bigger to be done and that I get to be a part of it. I am praying the same holds true for you.

If you can't say something nice... (Thanks Thumper!)

Yes, I've been quiet for the last few days. That's been intentional. I've been practicing the advice passed along by the great theologian Thumper from the classic Disney movie Bambi click here

There hasn't been much nice to say about the past week, so I've chosen to say nothing at all.

Throughout the summer (and the whole cancer ordeal) I've done my best to be real yet point things back to Jesus, which should put a positive spin on just about everything we face. This past week it has been difficult to be positive.

I will not point fingers (too much), but I was not very well prepared for this phase of the process. Leading up to the radiation treatment, many of you know that I was not overly concerned and even had plans to get stuff done in the house during the isolation period. My plan to return to work on Tuesday was not me being Pollyanna-ish... it is truly what I was led to believe would happen. The only thing the doctor said about side effects was (and this is the QUOTE): "Some people get a little nauseous, but most people do just fine." The very quick summary of my past week (you're welcome for sparing you the details) is that there was nothing "a little nauseous" about what I experienced (and that side-effect list was much longer and scarier than nausea). What I feel right now, an entire week after receiving the treatment, might be described as "a little nauseous"...

So here I am, on Thursday, still not feeling well enough to go back to full days of work that I planned to return to on Tuesday. Still feeling yucky. And tremendously disappointed.

Then I must stop and think- what am I disappointed about? Disappointed that the doctor gave me bad information? Maybe I misunderstood him or maybe he knew that if he gave me all the details I may not have gone through with the (necessary) treatment.  Disappointed that I missed my (self-imposed) go-back-to-work-day? Everyone in my school community has been tremendously gracious and I seem to be the only one judging myself for going a couple days longer than expected. Re-read last sentence... a couple of DAYS. Some people spend months and even years fighting a whole lot more than nausea for a much less favorable prognosis than what I'm anticipating. Up until this week, cancer hasn't caused me to miss more than half a beat as it relates to my job. Disappointed that my family didn't get much of my attention this past weekend? At last count they were well-fed, had more playdate offers than they could say yes to, went to parties, movies, and probably got to stay up later than I would have allowed. They might want to lock me in my room more often after all of that fun!

Brace yourself, here comes that word I keep coming back to... PERSPECTIVE. Perspective does not cancel out what we will experience in this life (both good and bad), it just forces us to hold all of it lightly. Perspective says, "Look outside of yourself, look outside of your situation, remember that it is not all about you." What happens when I get my eyes off of myself? Where do I put them? I need to put them on the one who created me, who allowed my situation, and who ultimately holds ALL results in the palm of his hand.

2 Corinthians 4:18 (NLT) says, "So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we can see will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." Those words come from the Father. He says, if you're only talking about what's here (and it isn't nice) you aren't following my best for your life. Don't talk about it and focus on it. Look to something better. Look to My big picture for your life. Trust that I am using this in My story that is being lived out through your situation.

When the Father speaks, I should be listening. It isn't included in the video clip I put in at the beginning, but Thumper's mother has a saying of her own, "Thumper, what did your father tell you about _________?". If you need a smile today, if you need a fun reminder of why we should listen to The Father's words for our lives- go ahead and watch this. Thumper's father had a lot of great things to say and so does our (heavenly) Father.

My Heavenly Father is reminding me today that "I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. [and this part of it is but a blip on the radar screen]" Jeremiah 29:11 (with my takeaway added at the end).

Be encouraged, dear friends, that our "... present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!". Praying for you, that you will have nice things to say about today!

Playlist for Radiation Day

“It’s today, it’s today it’s today!”- The opening line from Stuart Little keeps running through my mind. Except, I think that George Little (who has been eagerly anticipating the day his family adopts a sibling for him) might have a little bit more excitement in his voice than I would have if I tried waking my family up that way today. Why? because today is THE DAY. Radiation day. It is pretty easy to speak bravely, optimistically, nonchalantly, (insert your own adverb) about an event like this that is 2 months or even two weeks off. But, when that same event is 2 hours away- some of the resolve crumbles a bit.

I’ve been kind of weepy this week (SO embarrassing). I am 90% blaming it on the special diet I’ve had to follow. Who wouldn’t cry when you are so hungry?? Every time someone has said they were praying for me or looked me in the eye and asked me how I was doing, yep I cried. Sitting down with Brent on Sunday afternoon to script out the driving, kid watching, meal preparing, and sleeping arrangements for the whole week and especially the next 4 days made it all way too real. I am thankful for the wise, but simple truth that a friend spoke to me this morning, “Just think, one week from now this should all be over.”

That’s the plan, sweet friends, one and done. Although there is a small part of my heart that is bracing itself to be ready IF we need to do this more than once or it doesn’t go well, the plan is to do this part one time and be cancer-free in just a few short weeks.

What does today hold? Since I am musical, and everyone loves a good soundtrack I thought I would give you the rundown in the form of my “Playlist For Radiation Day”. For copyright reasons I did not put links to the songs, although that would have been fun. ** Disclaimer: Several songs were selected based on title alone... listen at your own risk!

2:00 am “Hungry Like The Wolf” Duran Duran (Again, special thanks to my low-iodine diet)

5:30 am “Tired” Adele (ALWAYS when the alarm goes off, even more so without a thyroid)

7:30 am “Happy” Pharrell Williams (Waving to parents and students in FC parking lot)

9:00 am “Bye Bye Bye” N’Sync (Leaving work for the last time this week)

9:15 am “I’ve Got a Question” Naked Brothers Band (Stopping by the endocrinologist on the way to the radiological oncologist- try saying that 5 times fast)

10:00 am “Radioactive” Imagine Dragons (Swallowing the capsule sized A-bomb)

11:30 am “Dirt Road Anthem” Jason Aldean (Driving back out to the country- home)

12:00 pm “All By Myself” Celine Dion (No one’s here, that’s how it has to be!)

12:00-4:00 pm “Sick” Evanescence (Yes, nausea is a common side effect)

   “Toxic” Brittany Spears (Right about now, I should start to glow)

12:00-8:00 pm “All Alone” Fun (Again, there should be no one but me in this house!)

8:00 pm “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” The Police (Kids walk home from grandma’s to go to bed, I will do my best not to slobber or sneeze on them when saying goodnight)

9:00 pm “Fight Song” Rachel Platten (I plan to lay down, sleep, and let my body fight while at rest… good plan, huh?)

10:30 pm “Your Side of the Bed” Little Big Town (Let’s just say, Brent is less than pleased about the sleeping arrangements for the next few nights. Your thyroid says, “Thank you” honey- see you again soon!)

On Repeat for 3 more days: “Radioactive” (reprise)- Imagine Dragons

It’s a little silly, but true to form I’m trying to have some fun with a not-so-fun situation. It’s going to happen with or without a smile and maybe even a few laughs. Thanks for smiling with me today and believing with me for happier playlists to come!

The Source of My Strength

It' s been a few weeks. Sorry! In the time since I last sat down to write I've gone back to the office full-time, made sure some sweet friends had a beautiful wedding equal only to their beautiful story (in UTAH), processed 128 student schedule change requests, hosted 150 for dinner at my house, facilitated teacher-week at school, somehow got my own children ready for school to start, AND managed to get 470 students (their families) & 50+ staff navigated through the first week of school. Just a couple of weeks in my tornado... I mean life.

I have such interesting interactions with people these days- some who know what my summer entailed and some who are just finding out. Most often, these are incredibly encouraging and uplifting conversations. A common thread, after agreeing that we are thankful I am able to continue on in my role as school principal, is some sort of amazement that I am able to do all of it. I share this sentiment. The list of what I've done recently is not to toot my own horn but to say that I, too, have a sense of awe at what only God's grace has allowed me to do and to become.

In California, as we continue to suffer severe drought, the issue of water and wells is a sensitive one. We are living out on the ranch next to my parents and our houses share a well. Several weeks ago we had a petty good scare as it relates to our source of water. My dad (in the wee 'farmer hours' of the  morning) discovered that there was no water coming into the house. This is BAD. There are logical consequences: flushing (go outside boys!), washing (dishes, bodies, clothes, houses), drinking. These are the things we must live with while we discover the source of the problem: Did the pump go out? Did the water table drop below the pump line? Did the well GO DRY?

Any one of the potential issues with a well spells trouble. Of course, we will naturally jump to worst case scenario (we are, after all, human). If that well is dry we are toast. In the valley, families are on waiting lists months long to pay tens of thousands of dollars to dig new wells. Water is necessary for life. What will we do?? The other two problems: low water or broken pump, although easier to fix, would still be expensive and require an available pump company... in a valley wracked by drought. Read to the end to see how this ended!

As I (I will admit) freaked out a little these past weeks about how stuff was going to get done in a season where I have been more tired than I've ever been in my life- there is no explanation for how it got done except that my "well", my source of strength was tapped in a way that it has never been tapped before. Each of us has a "well" that we rely on. As believers that "well" is God, the source of our life hope and strength. In the same way that our family's water-well needed some maintenance, our spiritual wells may need some attention from time to time too.

What do we do when we feel spiritually dry? When that living water doesn't seem to be running through our pipes as freely as it once did? We need to assess the issue:

1. Did the pump (my desire and effort to seek that water) go out?
Have I been going after God with everything I have or is there something that needs to be repaired? One of the gears? (motivators) Is there something stuck in there (distractions)? Have I not been following the scheduled maintenance plan (time with God, study of his word, fellowship with other believers, giving back through my time talent and treasure) and the pump is asking for attention?

2. Does that water seem far away?
I don't know all of the technicalities of wells, so bear with me on this one... One option was that the water and the pump were not near enough to each other to make meaningful contact- the solution was to move that pump closer to the water and re-prime the pump. The water was still there, it just needed to be accessed again. There are times in our spiritual journey where we feel distant from God. He is still there, we just need to move back into proximity with him. We make contact with him, sometimes in a new context or scenario, and the spiritual water once again becomes the source of our strength.

3. Is that well dry?
Maybe you've not ever drunk from the well that offers satisfaction not found anywhere else in this life. Maybe you've been seeking strength, life, cleanliness, and hope somewhere other than in God. It is time to dig a new well. It may be costly. You may have to give up a location or a route or a habit but, in turn, you will be finding your satisfaction and rest in the well that promises to never run dry.

Jesus said in John 4:14, "But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life."

So, just HOW have I managed, despite the odds, to keep going? Only by going to the source. On the days where I feel a bit dry- if you will- I do a heart check. Am I remembering the tremendous resource I've been given through new life in Christ? The song running through my mind right now says "Christ is enough for me...". Truly he is. "I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back no turning back...". Whatever may come.

How did the story end for our H2O issue? The pump needed to be moved closer to the water (sounds easier than it actually was) and within the span of a few minutes the water was once again flowing into our homes. Was it a stressful day? Yes! Did it end well? Yes! And, it gave me another great way to take something from the day and use it to point back to Jesus. It never ceases to amaze me how it all points back to Him!

My prayer for you is that, in the same way that I have experienced His refreshment grace and strength these past months and weeks, you will remain close to the source and that it will sustain you each day. In the same way that we are going to keep a closer eye on that water well between our houses, we should all hold to the truth found in Proverbs 4:23, "Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flows the springs of life."

Thank you, God for... Blisters.

I have an awful blister between my ring toe and my middle toe on my left foot. It hurts like no one's business. And yet, I am thankful for that blister. You know why? Because that blister represents the 13 miles I have covered these past 3 days (3 by bike, the rest on foot). That blister represents that I have made progress. I feel good enough to walk, and bike, and even run! (We didn't want to be late meeting Brent for lunch, he was buying...).

Painful things can be beautiful. Pain can produce in us things we never thought possible. Pain is also part of our story.

Last night we had the privilege of hearing an insider's interview of Louis Zamperini- the subject character of the movie "Unbroken". It was powerful. The speaker asked the crowd who had experienced struggles recently, many people raised their hands. He then proceeded to read the laundry list of horrific things Louis had experienced (including dashed Olympic hopes, plane crash, 47 days starving at sea, being a POW of the Japanese and tortured for 2 years, post traumatic stress disorder, alcoholism, then Jesus), showed us a video clip of Louis at age 93 smiling and quoting Romans 8:28 "And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him...", and asked us again if we had "problems".

Perspective- that's what it is. Hearing about someone else's pain does not minimize my own, but it helps to keep it in perspective. Evaluating my own pain in terms of how I can grow, how I can use it to point others to Jesus, and how it contributes to the kingdom keeps it all in check. Remembering that I am not the only person on earth who feels pain is a good habit to be in as well- perspective.

Today, a sweet friend that I did not know for nearly long enough lost her battle with cancer. Whether she meant to be or not, she was part of my story. She and her husband were some of the first people I ran into, in a parking lot, right after receiving my diagnosis. She helped me to process the whole "What do I do with this information?" question. We crossed paths, again in a parking lot the day before my second surgery. She had just finished another chemo treatment and was going to Target because "It's fun to go to Target!". Such a good reminder to me to keep living, not just staying alive. Her grace and dignity as she walked a road much more treacherous than mine were inspirational. She relentlessly lived a life of worship regardless of her physical state. Even in the midst of her tremendous suffering, she somehow always managed to ask me how I was doing before I could even get out a proper greeting. I am heartbroken for the loss that her husband and daughters are carrying today. I am thankful for the complete healing she received today, that she may never have found on earth regardless of how many treatments she endured. I am so humbled to have known her. Perspective.

So today, I feel pain- Both physical and emotional. But, I know that it is not without purpose and I choose joy. I will be thankful- even for that blister and all that it represents.  

Sleep is a Terrible Thing to Waste

If the time stamp on this post is any indicator then I, a normally deep and profound sleeper, might be suffering from a round of insomnia. In fact, I might be kind of panicking a little... The source of this anxiety is probably not what you'd expect. Health-wise I am on track. Friday I met with doctor #4, the oncologist, and he confirmed the remainder of my treatments to be what we expected. Everything should be finished by mid-September. He even said that the radiation will seem easy compared to what I've already been through with the surgeries.

No, what my health has given me is not what is troublesome tonight- it is what my health has taken from me that I'm struggling with. This whole cancer thing has taken 6 weeks of my life and held them hostage. Here is why it's a problem- my life is pretty full and heavy without being ill. There aren't usually enough minutes in the day to attend to everything that I have to give an answer for without having to stop and be sick. I haven't had a choice but to "be still" and ride this thing out. My positive outlook on it all has not been manufactured, I sincerely know and believe that God uses all things to point us back to himself. Today just happens to not be a sunshine and roses kind of day. Maybe you can relate?

Why, suddenly, am I worried about getting stuff done? Because I am heading back into the office this week to gear up for the new school year to start, and the lists in my brain are too big! I've started taking account of the things I had hoped to chip away at this summer that I have not even glanced at and my stomach is churning. The realization of how much needs to be done and how much of it depends on me is a bit much today. I want those 6 weeks back!!

There is a war within me that simultaneously says, "Show up and go, you've got this" and "You're going to forget something and it will be disastrous." I know, full well, where those two different voices are coming from. Scripture clearly says that I am not supposed to worry about tomorrow because today has enough troubles of it's own (Matthew 6:34). Jesus says not to be anxious about things of this world because, does he not take care of even the birds (Matthew 6:26)? Yet satan wants to rob us of those assurances and he goes straight for our weak spots, doesn't he? In my case the enemy is tapping into my insecurities of not measuring up, not being perfect, of possibly (gasp) not getting to everything on MY list! The black hole of self-doubt makes me want to put the covers over my head indefinitely, even though sleep eludes me.

I may not be able to end this post with definitive "answers" for what I am struggling with tonight. I think that is ok. I will, eventually, fall asleep. I will go to my office and start making lists and try to put my brain back into functioning order. I will enlist others to help (so much for stubborn pride). School will start in 4 weeks whether I feel ready for it or not, after all it isn't all about me! I will lean on the promise that with God all things are possible- even the things of my everyday life. He knew, long before I did, what the landscape of my summer would look like. He didn't rearrange things to make it easier. But, He also never asks me to do any of this alone.

I have to agree with Snoopy, his theology is pretty solid on this one- losing sleep because you're worried is pretty terrible.

How will they know?

Have you ever been shown a kindness by a stranger and, later, desperately wished you could show them proper gratitude? Well, I got the rare opportunity this week to double back and thank some very special 'strangers' who stepped up and became part of my story this summer.

If you remember, one month ago from my hospital bed I sent a reluctant Brent, Blake, & Paige off to camp in San Diego less than 48 hours after surgery #2. A gutsy move? Maybe... But I didn't doubt for a moment that they were absolutely supposed to go. (You can read Brent's thoughts about this here brentdeffenbacher.blogspot.com June 17). 

Upon their arrival, they were lavished with love and encouragement by the staff of Hume SD (strangers). They may have just been doing their jobs- but those (strangers) who stepped up and not only distracted my 3 for a week, but filled up their love tanks, were an answer to my specific prayer from just days before... Lord, carry my loved ones through this. 

Fast forward to four days ago when I walked into the Hume SD offices and got to, in person, say thank you to these precious people. They were all new faces to me and yet, they embraced me like a long lost friend. Their love was evident, felt, and deeply appreciated.

This season in our lives has prompted many sweet and meaningful conversations with my children. The topic of one of these discussions included the fact that people who don't know Jesus are always watching us to see what's different. How are we going to carry ourselves in such a way that they will know we are set apart? How will what's different about us draw them in rather than push them away? There is an answer to this question found in John 13:34-35, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (NIV) 

In case anyone doubted it... The Hume SD staff MUST be Christian because they sure know how to love! After watching them in action this week I am so impressed by how they 'live love'. There IS something different about the way they interact with the people they come into contact with and, believe me, it hits the target. 

Yeah, my family may have had some exceptional circumstances heading down here but I am convinced that they lavished love on us not because of my illness- rather in spite of it! When the opportunity came for the four of us to return to Hume SD this week it was a unanimous yes!!

How amazing would it be if we, in all of our contexts, sought to create a sense that people are loved and welcomed and wanted? I am pretty sure that my family members weren't the only hurting souls that wandered into camp that/this week. I'm positive we aren't the only ones who walk away encouraged. Everyone has a story. Everyone has somewhere they've just been and somewhere they're headed to. Everyone has things that bring them joy as well as burdens that threaten to steal that joy. 

Dare to be different today. Dare to ask how someone is doing and wait for the (real) answer. Welcome strangers like they are long lost friends. Love like you've got nothing to lose. You never know the difference you might be able to make.

Those of us who have found ourselves on the receiving end of this kind of love have noticed the difference and it has made a world of difference! #thankful

Birthdays and other such challenging occasions...

Well, I TRIED to take my birthday off of social media but somehow the word got out. Yes- today is my birthday and I guess I can't be in denial about it. Someone asked Brent a funny question the other day, they asked which "39th" birthday I was having. For the record this is my FIRST 39th birthday. And yes, I know what comes next...

I am humbled and appreciative of all of your kind words and birthday wishes. As a person who doesn't like to be fussed over, this past month has been an embarrassment of riches with so many people reaching out to me and my family. One of the most interesting observations that has been shared with my family, about me, is that I am such a "strong person". Funny how others see in us, things that we don't often see in ourselves. Maybe I am strong because I choose to share my journey? Or because I get up and go each day? Or?? I don't really see any other option for myself at this point. I wouldn't know another way to be.

Since today is my birthday, I got to thinking about the day of my birth. I don't know much about that day except that I was 3 weeks early and a lot smaller than people wanted me to be. Despite those two odds being stacked against me, I went home the next day. I guess I started out "strong". Right around my 18th birthday I had one of my first health scares that could have cost me the ability to have children. My two victories over that milestone are looking at me as I write (c'mon mom... get off the computer!). Just before my 20th birthday I made one of the best decisions of my life and said yes to marrying the perfect man for me. I couldn't imagine doing life with anyone besides my Brent! 2 years ago right around my birthday we were tearfully, yet with great anticipation saying good bye to our friends in Oregon. I year ago on my birthday I accepted the job as the principal at Fresno Christian school. This birthday I am celebrating that YES I am having another birthday and plan to have many more! I've had a bunch of eventful birthdays.

After any big life event (birth, death, diagnosis...) milestones (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays...) take on new meaning. We have new appreciation for them, and I use the word appreciation in its broad sense. To appreciate something means to regard it with heightened feeling. Sometimes those feelings will be good- First _______ with ______. Sometimes they will be sentimental or painful- First ________ without _______. Each of these scenarios challenges us to lean into what we are feeling. We must allow ourselves to celebrate or to grieve as the occasion allows. Sometimes, we will feel all of the above and that is ok too. The Lord made us, he made our feelings, he rejoices and grieves with us. He too marks our days and seasons of life because he knew them before we came to be.

So, on this my first birthday with cancer, my first birthday without a thyroid I will choose to APPRECIATE all that it has to offer. Regardless of how many birthdays the Lord allows me, today is the day that He has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it! Best "39th" birthday I've ever had.

Sing a New Song

I sang my first solo in church when I was 4 years old. My dad sat me on top of the piano and, because I didn't want anyone looking at me, I faced the front of the church and sang "Love Is" to the stained glass window. Thus began my illustrious career as a singer (yes, I would still prefer it if no one looked at me while I sing!). Music has always been part of my life- where I serve, where I find connection, a source of joy. 

Many of you may have first (or only) known me as "that girl who sings". So, it may surprise you to know that, for a variety of reasons, singing hasn't really been happening for me these past two years. On my best days I've viewed it as a season where God is choosing to use my 'other talents' and I've recognized that the demands of my job don't really leave a lot of space for anything extra. On the challenging days,I must admit, it has felt like a part of my heart may have gone missing. 

Suffice it to say, the fact that I was placed on the schedule to sing with one of our dear local church families this next Sunday is something I've been looking forward to for several months. When I accepted the request, I knew about surgery #1 and didn't have too many reasons to believe that it would be an issue. Well... Add surgery #2 and the ensuing processes and let's just say I sorely underestimated the toll all of this would take on my voice. 

My friends on the team have been very gracious as I've waited and tested the waters of singing again. Although my range improves daily, the number of neck muscles that must be engaged to produce anything of quality is exhausting. Yesterday I had to make a humbling and disappointing decision- my voice is not yet ready to lead worship for 4 services in one day. Yes, I might have cried a little. Had I been able to pull it off, I would have been singing in church one month to-the-day after surgery #2. (BTW: Longest month EVER). It would have felt like a small victory over the circumstances.

As I've processed this, there is a tune (ironically from a season of ministry Brent and I spent at this church) that I can't get out of my head. The song comes from Psalm 40 and was made famous by the band U2:

" I waited patiently for the Lord, He inclined and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit, out of the miry clay. And I will sing, sing a new song.... How long, to sing this song?... I will sing, sing a new song."

I am reminded today, that my life is always a song. Within single songs there are changes of key, tempo, volume, instrumentation, etc. that give it variety and make it sweet to different listeners' ears. Multiply that by the number of songs in this world and I can't help but realize that even though my 'song' is not what I am used to singing right now, God IS using my voice in a different way- maybe to reach a different audience.

I will choose to be patient with this healing process, even though it's the pits. And, in the meantime, I will "Sing, sing a new song."

Picking Up The Mat

You may be surprised to know that today, 3 weeks to the day after receiving my diagnosis, I am 2 days into a 4 day work conference in Southern California. I do realize the irony that my previous post was about being still and resting... In response I will quote the '60's rock group The Byrds and, more importantly, the writer of Ecclesiastes by saying, "To everything there is a season...". I find myself in a transitional season of needing to both be still and to just get up and go!

There is something very therapeutic about feeling well enough to be sitting in this seat. Not only is it satisfying to know that I'm going to be better at my job because of this, it is a bit of a victory to be up and out. I made a statement on facebook last week that I am choosing to live by, "Having a sickness does not automatically mean that I have to be sickly." Yes, there will be days that I just don't feel good and being still is the only option. But, other days when I feel good I want to make sure that I am enjoying life and/or getting things done!

What is your struggle? Try putting it into that statement...
Short Temper/angry?
Depression/sad?
Financial issue/poor
Anxiety/nervous
Insecurity/lonely
Fear/afraid
etc.

"Having a _______ does not automatically mean that I have to be ______________."

Let's talk for a moment about someone in the Bible who really had a struggle... He couldn't walk (he was lame- I can identify with being "lame" once in awhile, how about you? Pun. Intended.) Bear with me because my theology might break down a little. This guy got healed and some of us may be FAR FROM healing. But, as long as we are in process there is a nugget here that I am taking hold of. This guy had a struggle that he brought to Jesus. Let's focus on what Jesus said to him as he did it, "Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”" (John 5:8) Jesus was the son of God. He could have just said get up and walk, but he didn't- he added that pick up your mat part. That mat represented something, it represented what Jesus had freed him from. It was a reminder of where he had been before he gave that struggle to Jesus. When people asked him about why he was still carrying the mat it became a perfect opportunity for him to tell people about what Jesus had done. Having a mat did not automatically mean that he was still lame!! It was a symbol of how far he had come!

So here I am at PowerSchool University (promising to take a nap if I need it) and I have picked up my mat. I will sit on that mat and tell someone about it if needed, but my mat does not define me. What is your  mat? How will you use it, today, to point to Jesus?

Just BE STILL!!

 To have to admit that blow-drying my hair this morning was one of the most exhausting things I've done all week is embarrassing. To grasp the depth of this, you must understand a few things about me as a person. I have a very difficult time being ok with unfinished tasks, therefore I hold myself (and usually only myself) to a high level of expectation. I do not go to bed without all of the dishes being done. It is preferable that all laundry be done and put away on the same day. When I move (in case you forgot how regular an occurrence this is for the Deffenbacher family, we recently settled into house number 10), all boxes are unpacked and taken to the recycler by day two. I make a concerted effort to not be sitting down when my husband comes home from work- I want to at the very least give the impression that I have been exceedingly productive while he was away. A bit much? Yes. Can I help it? Not often. So, back to my original statement... The fact that simple grooming tasks WIPE ME OUT has the potential to be a huge discouragement! 

The familiar and repetitive song, "Be Still And Know That I Am God" (you're welcome to those of you who won't be able to get it out of your head for the next hour) has been singing itself to me. Often we think about that stillness being a stillness of mind and heart so we can focus on God- I'm totally ok with that concept. Where it takes on new meaning right now is that I must PHYSICALLY be still too. In that process, the Lord is healing me- mind, body, and soul.

My husband is very sweet. He knows my struggle in this department and has taken up pointing out how proud he is of me when I choose to sit (rather than nagging me to "take it easy"). He smiled when I typed up and posted instructions for how I want the laundry to get done (see photo). He doesn't speak his usual protests when I say yes to someone's offer of a meal (we don't like to put people out AND some of us have food issues...).

So, this does not mean that none of my to-do list will get to-done, it just means that I need to edit my list. I will put the most important things at the top. I will take a few off (there is always next Summer!). And, I will be more creative about how some of those things get done... That little gardening project I was dreaming up? A timely birthday next month will provide the funds for me to sit by the window and watch my landscaper put it in for me! 

I'm still not very good at asking for help (unless I can find a way to pay you for it), but I'm much better at allowing people to help. Reader beware- you are NEVER obligated to give me ANYTHING, but  if you plan to offer I probably won't be polite enough to turn you down! At least for the next little while.

On a nuts and bolts note- I had a very helpful doctor appointment this morning. The quick of it is that I do not have to spend the summer without thyroid replacement hormones and can begin taking them tomorrow morning. Everything else stays the same, but I do not need to sit around waiting for the misery to strike. This is such good news. Don't worry, I am still committed to getting the rest that I need- I'm just happy that it will be by choice rather than by having no other option. If you see me doing more, count it as progress- not me "overdoing it". 

I promise to BE STILL in a way that I never have before, knowing that it is producing in me many things that the Lord already had in mind.

Unexpected Gifts

Gifts are great. Gifts mean that someone loves us and that they want us to know about it. I've been on the receiving end of some pretty great gifts recently, including but not limited to: cards, kind words, FOOD :-), flowers, rest, grace, and suffering.

Yes, you read that correctly, I consider even the suffering to be a gift. While I certainly do not want to live my life crisis to crisis, this most recent turn of events has forced me to slow down (which I have not had the opportunity to do in several years). In the quiet of the "slow" things take shape and come into perspective. I was given the gift of time with 2 sweet friends this past week who have each had their own "this doesn't make sense" seasons in life. We spent time talking through those- not by way of commiserating, but rather to reminisce about how precious these opportunities of pain can be.

James 1:17 (CEB) says, "Every good gift, every perfect gift, comes from above. These gifts come down from the Father, the creator of the heavenly lights, in whose character there is no change at all." Everything we have is entrusted to us, even the bad stuff. I think about the parable of the talents where 3 separate individuals were given 3 differing amounts of money. The guy who got the smallest amount technically got the "bad gift" in this story. Yet, the expectation was the same for each of them- that they would take what they had been entrusted with and do something better with it. Our lives are not any different.

We have been entrusted with much: families, homes, careers, reputations, callings, possessions, circumstances. The expectation is that we will use each of them to bring honor to the one who bestowed them upon us. I am choosing to view my unexpected "gift" as a blessing. I want my life to point to Jesus, on the good days and especially the bad days. I want to be mindful that it is in these times that the world is watching all the more closely to see what we (as believers) do with what we've been handed. Satan would love nothing more than for God to get the blame rather than the glory for what we are experiencing.

Dear friends, I pray that today would be full of gifts for you- or maybe that you would have the opportunity to appreciate the gifts that have been there all along. If today's gift is unpleasant, take heart (as I do) from the words found in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (MSG), "So we're not giving up. How could we? Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

PS: Special thanks to The Message translation for calling it small potatoes... made me smile!

PPS: BTW and Before you forget I'm still human... Had I been given the choice between this "gift" and the gift of a tropical vacation, I would have a fantastic tan right now! I'm sure that I could have found a way to be thankful for that too. Just keepin' it real! 😜

Got info?

Today's post isn't particularly inspirational. It is just an update. (I know, some of you are tremendously relieved right now... no more of that tear-jerker, have to think about it stuff!!). Last week some pretty heavy news got dumped on us and, like we ALL must do, we went to bed each night woke up each morning (some of us more easily than others) and took what each day brought us.

So far I have had 2 surgeries, the first of which revealed that I have thyroid cancer- we were NOT expecting that! My goal for that first surgery was just to get rid of a sensation that something is stuck in my throat (which has not gone away BTW). The good news about thyroid cancer is that it has a very contained scope of treatment methods and they are 95% successful. That other 5% is usually linked to unrelated health conditions that affect effectiveness.

Now that we have gotten over the shock, and survived the rather traumatic second surgery, we haven't changed our strategy. We are going to take each step as it comes. We are choosing not to over or under think. I was stopped in a restaurant last Thursday by a ministry acquaintance. She saw me and said that she needed to share something with me that was written in a card not yet sent. Her message for me was that the words "What if..." are not from the Lord. I am clinging onto that. Wondering "What if..." about what has already happened opens the door for blame casting or doubt. Wondering "What if..." about anything beyond today (treatment, plans, work, prognosis) robs today of it's joy. 

Without any what-if's, here is the scoop on what happens next. It is pretty uneventful, so don't expect another one of these for awhile! The second set of pathology reports did not make things better or worse. The course of treatment was the same either way. Now that the thyroid is removed we must wait 4-6 weeks for my body to be depleted of thyroid hormone (basically I will spend the summer being tired, cold, fat, and grumpy- doesn't that sound fabulous?). This unpleasant process is how they confirm that they removed all of the offending tissue. Even a small remnant of the original thyroid will continue to feed the cancer. Next, I will be given a small dose of radioactive iodine and scanned. Thyroid tissue (which the cancer cells are) is the only tissue in your body that absorbs iodine and it does so very readily. All remaining cancer that the surgery missed will soak up the radiation and show up on the scan. This scan will determine the extent of remaining treatment. 

Treatment is a therapeutic dose of radioactive iodine taken in a pill form. It is a very targeted treatment because that radiation will only be sucked up by the cancer. As far as I can tell, I will experience few side effects. The chuckle for today regarding this stage is that the doctor mentioned I would need to stay away from small children for awhile. This is funny for a couple of reasons: 

1. Um... do you KNOW what I do for a living?? Kind of hard to stay away from kids when you're the principal of a K-12 school! Maybe we should fundraise for a special space-suit I can wear to work.
2. I assumed that the separation was to protect me. You know, my immune system or something. Actually it is quite the opposite- I must be isolated to protect all of you from me! I will be a walking A-Bomb for a short period of time. I think my family will have to wear radiation detectors or something. (People- we are talking like I have to sleep alone, eat alone, designate a toilet in my house that only I can use, and put my trash in a special trash bag!). Am I going to glow in the dark?? So. Creepy.

Currently I am on no medications. I do have to take large doses of calcium. I have 2 out of 4 parathyroid glands left (they regulate all of the calcium in your blood) and they seem to be pretty stressed out right now. Weekly blood tests will tell us when/if they start functioning properly. I travel with Tums. When my face tingles or my legs get numb I pop a few and keep going. (Did you know that's what your body does without enough calcium?)

I, very much, look forward to getting the thyroid replacement drugs somewhere around the end of July. If the side effects of the next 4-6 weeks become unbearable I do have some options available. I'll find out more from the endocrinologist next week.

That's the scoop. Many of you have been asking and I'd rather speak when there is something to tell. It is also my heart for you to hear information straight from me which is why I will continue to be pretty straightforward. 

I will conclude with ways you can pray for us:

• sleep (insomnia is a new and unwelcome phenomenon)
• that I would intentionally stay slow (when I feel better I automatically overdo it and it is costly)
• Kids- Praise: are doing well, Prayer: continued perspective and normalcy (also that they would spontaneously learn how to do laundry, wash dishes, and cook).

My words not needed...

I will not be writing my own blog post today- this YouTube link says enough. You will need 6 minutes and Kleenex. A friend sent to me. It was like that moment in church where you feel like the pastor was spying on you all week and wrote the message only for your situation. It's good to remember that everyone around you feels the same way! We all have pain, we all have joy, we all came from somewhere, and we are all headed somewhere. If you needed this message today too, remember you are not alone.

http://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY

http://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY

Clean Hair: A Spiritual Experience

Today's victory... Clean hair! Yes folks, after 5 days of allowing my natural oils to "nourish" my scalp and hair, I couldn't take it any longer!! Bless my sweet mom. I think both of us are glad there were no witnesses or hidden cameras. Trying to wash the (nasty) hair of someone who cannot move their neck OR get that same neck wet is no small task. It was uncomfortable- for both of us! But the result was heavenly. Having clean hair made me feel that much closer to normal. Clean hair may seem small, but today it was huge!

The pure joy I got from having clean hair gave me pause to think about WHY I was feeling that way. Then it led down the road of realizing that without help I couldn't have pulled it off. Washing my hair today was an act of service. Something my mom did for me that may have seemed insignificant but changed the trajectory of my day.

In the Bible they talk quite a bit about foot washing. I'm guessing those stinky sandal feet felt about as gross as my 5-day-dirty head. Rarely in scripture do you hear about people washing their own feet. Rather, foot washing was offered as a service- a sacrifice of convenience and probably a yucky one at that. I'm guessing that the result was not too far off from what I experienced this morning, a new lease on the day. An opportunity to comfortably stay in the community of others without feeling the shame of being unclean.

Isn't that what Christ did for us? Yes, he ended up literally washing a lot of those disciples' feet, but ultimately he served in an even greater way. Jesus offers us a cleanliness that we, on our own, could not accomplish? It came at his personal expense but he offered it anyway because he knew it is what we needed to live a fresh life in Him- as long as we allow him. Today I am thankful for clean hair AND the reminder of what new life in Christ can feel like.

Distinctive Prayers, Difficulties, Drugs, and Dance Recitals

In my super-slumber on Friday I was preparing myself to wake up on Saturday and write this post. Yeah, that didn't happen. Wasn't my favorite weekend. There were a few hiccups. But things are looking up this morning and I'm happy to (finally) put to print that post that my brain has worked on for several days.

I'm most compelled to tell you my thoughts on what I will call "distinctive prayer" this morning. Please don't judge my theology- these are just thoughts. I do believe in the power of prayer, but I am one who approaches my requests cautiously because I am very aware that God is in control. If He is in control, it feels kind of weird to me to tell him (through prayer) how to do his job. With that said, I keenly felt your prayers on Friday. I know that many prayer warriors took my specific fears (neck pain, waking up, and throwing up) and voiced them to the Father and He answered.

I don't generally speak up for myself, but on Friday felt like I should mention to the doctors the tremendous amount of neck pain I experienced from the first surgery. They expressed that, no, that was not normal. They did not sedate me before moving to the operating room (may cause nightmares later- see future posts), and they spent concentrated time talking me through the position of my head and neck to ensure that I was comfortable before surgery. The result has been none of the same neck pain from before!

Waking up from anesthesia is pretty vivid and unpleasant for me. This time, however, I was allowed to wake up slowly and gently. There was no one tapping me and asking me questions. I was almost allowed to "sleep it off". Such a blessing. Part of that usual experience for me includes immediate throwing up (yes... super awful when having throat surgery). No throwing up on Friday.

Saturday was another story... There was plenty of pain, sleeplessness and throwing up on Saturday. But in spite of it all I was well cared for and it did not cancel out the assurance I felt on Friday knowing that our prayers had been answered.

My doctor is a pretty confident guy, and for that I am thankful. Even he was discouraged by the difficulties presented in surgery on Friday. Despite my exterior appearance being good from surgery #1, inside was a different story. I probably pushed myself too hard between Tuesday and Friday of last week and we paid the price. Because of that, I am looking at even stricter recovery policies this time around. SO not cool! He (doctor) called last night with some more not so great news, but it isn't something that can't be managed by a lifetime supply of calcium supplements! Random fact, did you know that when you have low calcium your face gets numb?? Things we never thought we'd need to know or deal with. But, quite obviously, this is a time for me to be still and know that God has surrounded me with people who not only CAN but WANT to help me through this.

Speaking of helpers- huge shout out to "Team Paige" who helped her feel special on Saturday for the dance recital. 9 year old girls  wear their disappointment like a hooded cloak and Paige could not get past the fact that I was not going to be there. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to the friends and family who not only filled the seats for her, but helped her with hair and make up and made her feel like a rock star. She didn't miss a beat!

Well, probably not my most articulate or spiritual post. I will blame the drugs. Thank you for your overwhelming support as we step through this. I think that Paige's face expresses what we all feel right now- Fierce. Watch out cancer, we're gonna get you!!

Feel it, don't BE it

Surgery number 2 is today. In the spirit of being truthful, I've got some feelings about today that I'm not super proud of. I'm still ticked that I have to do this again. Yesterday I talked about plans, there was a great plan in place last time I had surgery (9 days ago) to catch cancer and take care of it. That plan failed us and here we are again repeating the process.

On June 2 there wasn't too much to be afraid of because I had never done it before- ignorance totally was bliss. I woke up that morning not knowing that it would take me 3 hours to wake up, that I would listen to everyone else in recovery eating snacks and partying while I could (literally) not open my eyes. I had not yet experienced the neck pain that far exceeded the pain of the incision. I had not yet had to desperately try not to throw up after having throat surgery. Well guess what, today I know what I am up against and I feel a little bit afraid.

God made my feelings- anger and fear- so they must not be all bad. They just need to be kept in context. I am supposed to feel them not be them. My feelings will not define me. As a really cool paster I know (hint: his initials are BD) likes to say, "Feelings are fickle". They will pass. If they threaten to stick around I have a choice to intentionally move past them. So today, even though I feel fear, I will not be afraid. I will remember that being unhappy about my situation does not change it and I will choose joy.

Watch out blog world, tomorrow I will be on pain meds! I cannot be held liable for what I may or may not say. Love you all. Thank you for joining me in this journey. Thank you for your encouraging words and your prayers.

Plan A(wful)? Plan B(ad)? Plan C(rud)?..... Plan T(rust).

Don't we all love planners? The people who have their next month of meals posted on the refrigerator door, color coded family calendars, and fabulous places to go and things to do. I feel about plans like I do about running. My brain tells me I am a runner, but my body does not seem to have the same idea. In my head I have all sorts of great plans but sometimes they don't materialize they way I had envisioned them. Today I am going to talk a few circles around plans. Bear with me.

I think that the gift of being a "planner" might be a human characteristic that God came up with at least a little bit for his own amusement. He even mentions it in His book (many times). Proverbs 19:21 says it my favorite way: 

"A person may have many plans in their heart. But the Lord's purpose wins out in the end."

Haha human, have fun with those plans! I wrestle with this concept that God gave me a brain and this ability to organize things and make plans and yet, He's going to do what He's going to do regardless of me. Then, I take a closer look at the words of that scripture- many are peoples' PLANS (plural) but God has a PURPOSE (singular). Big. Difference. That tension of my plans and God's purpose is intentional. It is what keeps me on my toes. Plans are not bad, I just must not get so bogged down by my plans that I lose sight if His purpose.

Speaking of plans, here is an interesting thought on 'plans' and my current situation: Over the course of the next several moths there is a definite plan for how I need to proceed and it is largely determined by someone other than me (doctor). Ok, I will sit back and let someone else be my personal planner for now- seems like an ok idea. But, there isn't anyone making a plan for how my kids are supposed to go through this, or my husband. This is backwards. Since when is there a plan for me and not for the rest of them? My plan might include some unpleasant elements, but at least it is organized and well thought out. 

There is no guidebook for how to tell your 9 and 12 year old that their mom has cancer, that the summer is going to look a little different than we all thought it would. Those words taste foul in your mouth. What about the loving husband and dad who not only does his job all day, but is now looking at a summer full of doing MY jobs too. Ugh. This is not a good plan. Normally I am the one who makes the plans for them and those plans usually include things that make their lives better, not worse!

Many of you want to know what I need, how you can be helpful. My own personal needs are pretty minimal. My greatest "need" is to know that my husband and kids are getting the encouragement and care that they need during this time. My Brent, my Blake, my Paige. As different as can be from one another and yet they are my people! Brent likes movies, golf, and words of encouragement. Blake likes to interact with people while working with them (doesn't hurt if they have a dirt bike too). Paige, sweet Paige, is painfully social- loves conversation, crafts, and people. Having a tired mommy for the past week has been a huge bummer for her! 

So, sweet friends, as you continue to lift our family in prayer "plan" is a theme. Obviously, healing is part of the prayer and we can pray for Doctor Hsu and his team who are currently the orchestrators of that plan. More importantly though, for this wife and mama's heart, I covet your prayers for the plans that will be unfolding for Brent and Blake and Paige. Some of you are able to participate, physically, in those plans and I thank you in advance for that. 

Until next time, I PLAN to keep taking this thing one day at a time and today that includes a whole lot of laundry and getting everyone packed for camp next week. Sounds like a good plan to me! Praying for you to find peace in your plans for today and that God's purpose would be evident in all of us.