Sleep is a Terrible Thing to Waste

If the time stamp on this post is any indicator then I, a normally deep and profound sleeper, might be suffering from a round of insomnia. In fact, I might be kind of panicking a little... The source of this anxiety is probably not what you'd expect. Health-wise I am on track. Friday I met with doctor #4, the oncologist, and he confirmed the remainder of my treatments to be what we expected. Everything should be finished by mid-September. He even said that the radiation will seem easy compared to what I've already been through with the surgeries.

No, what my health has given me is not what is troublesome tonight- it is what my health has taken from me that I'm struggling with. This whole cancer thing has taken 6 weeks of my life and held them hostage. Here is why it's a problem- my life is pretty full and heavy without being ill. There aren't usually enough minutes in the day to attend to everything that I have to give an answer for without having to stop and be sick. I haven't had a choice but to "be still" and ride this thing out. My positive outlook on it all has not been manufactured, I sincerely know and believe that God uses all things to point us back to himself. Today just happens to not be a sunshine and roses kind of day. Maybe you can relate?

Why, suddenly, am I worried about getting stuff done? Because I am heading back into the office this week to gear up for the new school year to start, and the lists in my brain are too big! I've started taking account of the things I had hoped to chip away at this summer that I have not even glanced at and my stomach is churning. The realization of how much needs to be done and how much of it depends on me is a bit much today. I want those 6 weeks back!!

There is a war within me that simultaneously says, "Show up and go, you've got this" and "You're going to forget something and it will be disastrous." I know, full well, where those two different voices are coming from. Scripture clearly says that I am not supposed to worry about tomorrow because today has enough troubles of it's own (Matthew 6:34). Jesus says not to be anxious about things of this world because, does he not take care of even the birds (Matthew 6:26)? Yet satan wants to rob us of those assurances and he goes straight for our weak spots, doesn't he? In my case the enemy is tapping into my insecurities of not measuring up, not being perfect, of possibly (gasp) not getting to everything on MY list! The black hole of self-doubt makes me want to put the covers over my head indefinitely, even though sleep eludes me.

I may not be able to end this post with definitive "answers" for what I am struggling with tonight. I think that is ok. I will, eventually, fall asleep. I will go to my office and start making lists and try to put my brain back into functioning order. I will enlist others to help (so much for stubborn pride). School will start in 4 weeks whether I feel ready for it or not, after all it isn't all about me! I will lean on the promise that with God all things are possible- even the things of my everyday life. He knew, long before I did, what the landscape of my summer would look like. He didn't rearrange things to make it easier. But, He also never asks me to do any of this alone.

I have to agree with Snoopy, his theology is pretty solid on this one- losing sleep because you're worried is pretty terrible.