Birthdays and other such challenging occasions...

Well, I TRIED to take my birthday off of social media but somehow the word got out. Yes- today is my birthday and I guess I can't be in denial about it. Someone asked Brent a funny question the other day, they asked which "39th" birthday I was having. For the record this is my FIRST 39th birthday. And yes, I know what comes next...

I am humbled and appreciative of all of your kind words and birthday wishes. As a person who doesn't like to be fussed over, this past month has been an embarrassment of riches with so many people reaching out to me and my family. One of the most interesting observations that has been shared with my family, about me, is that I am such a "strong person". Funny how others see in us, things that we don't often see in ourselves. Maybe I am strong because I choose to share my journey? Or because I get up and go each day? Or?? I don't really see any other option for myself at this point. I wouldn't know another way to be.

Since today is my birthday, I got to thinking about the day of my birth. I don't know much about that day except that I was 3 weeks early and a lot smaller than people wanted me to be. Despite those two odds being stacked against me, I went home the next day. I guess I started out "strong". Right around my 18th birthday I had one of my first health scares that could have cost me the ability to have children. My two victories over that milestone are looking at me as I write (c'mon mom... get off the computer!). Just before my 20th birthday I made one of the best decisions of my life and said yes to marrying the perfect man for me. I couldn't imagine doing life with anyone besides my Brent! 2 years ago right around my birthday we were tearfully, yet with great anticipation saying good bye to our friends in Oregon. I year ago on my birthday I accepted the job as the principal at Fresno Christian school. This birthday I am celebrating that YES I am having another birthday and plan to have many more! I've had a bunch of eventful birthdays.

After any big life event (birth, death, diagnosis...) milestones (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays...) take on new meaning. We have new appreciation for them, and I use the word appreciation in its broad sense. To appreciate something means to regard it with heightened feeling. Sometimes those feelings will be good- First _______ with ______. Sometimes they will be sentimental or painful- First ________ without _______. Each of these scenarios challenges us to lean into what we are feeling. We must allow ourselves to celebrate or to grieve as the occasion allows. Sometimes, we will feel all of the above and that is ok too. The Lord made us, he made our feelings, he rejoices and grieves with us. He too marks our days and seasons of life because he knew them before we came to be.

So, on this my first birthday with cancer, my first birthday without a thyroid I will choose to APPRECIATE all that it has to offer. Regardless of how many birthdays the Lord allows me, today is the day that He has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it! Best "39th" birthday I've ever had.

Sing a New Song

I sang my first solo in church when I was 4 years old. My dad sat me on top of the piano and, because I didn't want anyone looking at me, I faced the front of the church and sang "Love Is" to the stained glass window. Thus began my illustrious career as a singer (yes, I would still prefer it if no one looked at me while I sing!). Music has always been part of my life- where I serve, where I find connection, a source of joy. 

Many of you may have first (or only) known me as "that girl who sings". So, it may surprise you to know that, for a variety of reasons, singing hasn't really been happening for me these past two years. On my best days I've viewed it as a season where God is choosing to use my 'other talents' and I've recognized that the demands of my job don't really leave a lot of space for anything extra. On the challenging days,I must admit, it has felt like a part of my heart may have gone missing. 

Suffice it to say, the fact that I was placed on the schedule to sing with one of our dear local church families this next Sunday is something I've been looking forward to for several months. When I accepted the request, I knew about surgery #1 and didn't have too many reasons to believe that it would be an issue. Well... Add surgery #2 and the ensuing processes and let's just say I sorely underestimated the toll all of this would take on my voice. 

My friends on the team have been very gracious as I've waited and tested the waters of singing again. Although my range improves daily, the number of neck muscles that must be engaged to produce anything of quality is exhausting. Yesterday I had to make a humbling and disappointing decision- my voice is not yet ready to lead worship for 4 services in one day. Yes, I might have cried a little. Had I been able to pull it off, I would have been singing in church one month to-the-day after surgery #2. (BTW: Longest month EVER). It would have felt like a small victory over the circumstances.

As I've processed this, there is a tune (ironically from a season of ministry Brent and I spent at this church) that I can't get out of my head. The song comes from Psalm 40 and was made famous by the band U2:

" I waited patiently for the Lord, He inclined and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit, out of the miry clay. And I will sing, sing a new song.... How long, to sing this song?... I will sing, sing a new song."

I am reminded today, that my life is always a song. Within single songs there are changes of key, tempo, volume, instrumentation, etc. that give it variety and make it sweet to different listeners' ears. Multiply that by the number of songs in this world and I can't help but realize that even though my 'song' is not what I am used to singing right now, God IS using my voice in a different way- maybe to reach a different audience.

I will choose to be patient with this healing process, even though it's the pits. And, in the meantime, I will "Sing, sing a new song."

Picking Up The Mat

You may be surprised to know that today, 3 weeks to the day after receiving my diagnosis, I am 2 days into a 4 day work conference in Southern California. I do realize the irony that my previous post was about being still and resting... In response I will quote the '60's rock group The Byrds and, more importantly, the writer of Ecclesiastes by saying, "To everything there is a season...". I find myself in a transitional season of needing to both be still and to just get up and go!

There is something very therapeutic about feeling well enough to be sitting in this seat. Not only is it satisfying to know that I'm going to be better at my job because of this, it is a bit of a victory to be up and out. I made a statement on facebook last week that I am choosing to live by, "Having a sickness does not automatically mean that I have to be sickly." Yes, there will be days that I just don't feel good and being still is the only option. But, other days when I feel good I want to make sure that I am enjoying life and/or getting things done!

What is your struggle? Try putting it into that statement...
Short Temper/angry?
Depression/sad?
Financial issue/poor
Anxiety/nervous
Insecurity/lonely
Fear/afraid
etc.

"Having a _______ does not automatically mean that I have to be ______________."

Let's talk for a moment about someone in the Bible who really had a struggle... He couldn't walk (he was lame- I can identify with being "lame" once in awhile, how about you? Pun. Intended.) Bear with me because my theology might break down a little. This guy got healed and some of us may be FAR FROM healing. But, as long as we are in process there is a nugget here that I am taking hold of. This guy had a struggle that he brought to Jesus. Let's focus on what Jesus said to him as he did it, "Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”" (John 5:8) Jesus was the son of God. He could have just said get up and walk, but he didn't- he added that pick up your mat part. That mat represented something, it represented what Jesus had freed him from. It was a reminder of where he had been before he gave that struggle to Jesus. When people asked him about why he was still carrying the mat it became a perfect opportunity for him to tell people about what Jesus had done. Having a mat did not automatically mean that he was still lame!! It was a symbol of how far he had come!

So here I am at PowerSchool University (promising to take a nap if I need it) and I have picked up my mat. I will sit on that mat and tell someone about it if needed, but my mat does not define me. What is your  mat? How will you use it, today, to point to Jesus?

Just BE STILL!!

 To have to admit that blow-drying my hair this morning was one of the most exhausting things I've done all week is embarrassing. To grasp the depth of this, you must understand a few things about me as a person. I have a very difficult time being ok with unfinished tasks, therefore I hold myself (and usually only myself) to a high level of expectation. I do not go to bed without all of the dishes being done. It is preferable that all laundry be done and put away on the same day. When I move (in case you forgot how regular an occurrence this is for the Deffenbacher family, we recently settled into house number 10), all boxes are unpacked and taken to the recycler by day two. I make a concerted effort to not be sitting down when my husband comes home from work- I want to at the very least give the impression that I have been exceedingly productive while he was away. A bit much? Yes. Can I help it? Not often. So, back to my original statement... The fact that simple grooming tasks WIPE ME OUT has the potential to be a huge discouragement! 

The familiar and repetitive song, "Be Still And Know That I Am God" (you're welcome to those of you who won't be able to get it out of your head for the next hour) has been singing itself to me. Often we think about that stillness being a stillness of mind and heart so we can focus on God- I'm totally ok with that concept. Where it takes on new meaning right now is that I must PHYSICALLY be still too. In that process, the Lord is healing me- mind, body, and soul.

My husband is very sweet. He knows my struggle in this department and has taken up pointing out how proud he is of me when I choose to sit (rather than nagging me to "take it easy"). He smiled when I typed up and posted instructions for how I want the laundry to get done (see photo). He doesn't speak his usual protests when I say yes to someone's offer of a meal (we don't like to put people out AND some of us have food issues...).

So, this does not mean that none of my to-do list will get to-done, it just means that I need to edit my list. I will put the most important things at the top. I will take a few off (there is always next Summer!). And, I will be more creative about how some of those things get done... That little gardening project I was dreaming up? A timely birthday next month will provide the funds for me to sit by the window and watch my landscaper put it in for me! 

I'm still not very good at asking for help (unless I can find a way to pay you for it), but I'm much better at allowing people to help. Reader beware- you are NEVER obligated to give me ANYTHING, but  if you plan to offer I probably won't be polite enough to turn you down! At least for the next little while.

On a nuts and bolts note- I had a very helpful doctor appointment this morning. The quick of it is that I do not have to spend the summer without thyroid replacement hormones and can begin taking them tomorrow morning. Everything else stays the same, but I do not need to sit around waiting for the misery to strike. This is such good news. Don't worry, I am still committed to getting the rest that I need- I'm just happy that it will be by choice rather than by having no other option. If you see me doing more, count it as progress- not me "overdoing it". 

I promise to BE STILL in a way that I never have before, knowing that it is producing in me many things that the Lord already had in mind.

Unexpected Gifts

Gifts are great. Gifts mean that someone loves us and that they want us to know about it. I've been on the receiving end of some pretty great gifts recently, including but not limited to: cards, kind words, FOOD :-), flowers, rest, grace, and suffering.

Yes, you read that correctly, I consider even the suffering to be a gift. While I certainly do not want to live my life crisis to crisis, this most recent turn of events has forced me to slow down (which I have not had the opportunity to do in several years). In the quiet of the "slow" things take shape and come into perspective. I was given the gift of time with 2 sweet friends this past week who have each had their own "this doesn't make sense" seasons in life. We spent time talking through those- not by way of commiserating, but rather to reminisce about how precious these opportunities of pain can be.

James 1:17 (CEB) says, "Every good gift, every perfect gift, comes from above. These gifts come down from the Father, the creator of the heavenly lights, in whose character there is no change at all." Everything we have is entrusted to us, even the bad stuff. I think about the parable of the talents where 3 separate individuals were given 3 differing amounts of money. The guy who got the smallest amount technically got the "bad gift" in this story. Yet, the expectation was the same for each of them- that they would take what they had been entrusted with and do something better with it. Our lives are not any different.

We have been entrusted with much: families, homes, careers, reputations, callings, possessions, circumstances. The expectation is that we will use each of them to bring honor to the one who bestowed them upon us. I am choosing to view my unexpected "gift" as a blessing. I want my life to point to Jesus, on the good days and especially the bad days. I want to be mindful that it is in these times that the world is watching all the more closely to see what we (as believers) do with what we've been handed. Satan would love nothing more than for God to get the blame rather than the glory for what we are experiencing.

Dear friends, I pray that today would be full of gifts for you- or maybe that you would have the opportunity to appreciate the gifts that have been there all along. If today's gift is unpleasant, take heart (as I do) from the words found in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (MSG), "So we're not giving up. How could we? Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

PS: Special thanks to The Message translation for calling it small potatoes... made me smile!

PPS: BTW and Before you forget I'm still human... Had I been given the choice between this "gift" and the gift of a tropical vacation, I would have a fantastic tan right now! I'm sure that I could have found a way to be thankful for that too. Just keepin' it real! 😜

Got info?

Today's post isn't particularly inspirational. It is just an update. (I know, some of you are tremendously relieved right now... no more of that tear-jerker, have to think about it stuff!!). Last week some pretty heavy news got dumped on us and, like we ALL must do, we went to bed each night woke up each morning (some of us more easily than others) and took what each day brought us.

So far I have had 2 surgeries, the first of which revealed that I have thyroid cancer- we were NOT expecting that! My goal for that first surgery was just to get rid of a sensation that something is stuck in my throat (which has not gone away BTW). The good news about thyroid cancer is that it has a very contained scope of treatment methods and they are 95% successful. That other 5% is usually linked to unrelated health conditions that affect effectiveness.

Now that we have gotten over the shock, and survived the rather traumatic second surgery, we haven't changed our strategy. We are going to take each step as it comes. We are choosing not to over or under think. I was stopped in a restaurant last Thursday by a ministry acquaintance. She saw me and said that she needed to share something with me that was written in a card not yet sent. Her message for me was that the words "What if..." are not from the Lord. I am clinging onto that. Wondering "What if..." about what has already happened opens the door for blame casting or doubt. Wondering "What if..." about anything beyond today (treatment, plans, work, prognosis) robs today of it's joy. 

Without any what-if's, here is the scoop on what happens next. It is pretty uneventful, so don't expect another one of these for awhile! The second set of pathology reports did not make things better or worse. The course of treatment was the same either way. Now that the thyroid is removed we must wait 4-6 weeks for my body to be depleted of thyroid hormone (basically I will spend the summer being tired, cold, fat, and grumpy- doesn't that sound fabulous?). This unpleasant process is how they confirm that they removed all of the offending tissue. Even a small remnant of the original thyroid will continue to feed the cancer. Next, I will be given a small dose of radioactive iodine and scanned. Thyroid tissue (which the cancer cells are) is the only tissue in your body that absorbs iodine and it does so very readily. All remaining cancer that the surgery missed will soak up the radiation and show up on the scan. This scan will determine the extent of remaining treatment. 

Treatment is a therapeutic dose of radioactive iodine taken in a pill form. It is a very targeted treatment because that radiation will only be sucked up by the cancer. As far as I can tell, I will experience few side effects. The chuckle for today regarding this stage is that the doctor mentioned I would need to stay away from small children for awhile. This is funny for a couple of reasons: 

1. Um... do you KNOW what I do for a living?? Kind of hard to stay away from kids when you're the principal of a K-12 school! Maybe we should fundraise for a special space-suit I can wear to work.
2. I assumed that the separation was to protect me. You know, my immune system or something. Actually it is quite the opposite- I must be isolated to protect all of you from me! I will be a walking A-Bomb for a short period of time. I think my family will have to wear radiation detectors or something. (People- we are talking like I have to sleep alone, eat alone, designate a toilet in my house that only I can use, and put my trash in a special trash bag!). Am I going to glow in the dark?? So. Creepy.

Currently I am on no medications. I do have to take large doses of calcium. I have 2 out of 4 parathyroid glands left (they regulate all of the calcium in your blood) and they seem to be pretty stressed out right now. Weekly blood tests will tell us when/if they start functioning properly. I travel with Tums. When my face tingles or my legs get numb I pop a few and keep going. (Did you know that's what your body does without enough calcium?)

I, very much, look forward to getting the thyroid replacement drugs somewhere around the end of July. If the side effects of the next 4-6 weeks become unbearable I do have some options available. I'll find out more from the endocrinologist next week.

That's the scoop. Many of you have been asking and I'd rather speak when there is something to tell. It is also my heart for you to hear information straight from me which is why I will continue to be pretty straightforward. 

I will conclude with ways you can pray for us:

• sleep (insomnia is a new and unwelcome phenomenon)
• that I would intentionally stay slow (when I feel better I automatically overdo it and it is costly)
• Kids- Praise: are doing well, Prayer: continued perspective and normalcy (also that they would spontaneously learn how to do laundry, wash dishes, and cook).

My words not needed...

I will not be writing my own blog post today- this YouTube link says enough. You will need 6 minutes and Kleenex. A friend sent to me. It was like that moment in church where you feel like the pastor was spying on you all week and wrote the message only for your situation. It's good to remember that everyone around you feels the same way! We all have pain, we all have joy, we all came from somewhere, and we are all headed somewhere. If you needed this message today too, remember you are not alone.

http://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY

http://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY