Thank you, God for... Blisters.

I have an awful blister between my ring toe and my middle toe on my left foot. It hurts like no one's business. And yet, I am thankful for that blister. You know why? Because that blister represents the 13 miles I have covered these past 3 days (3 by bike, the rest on foot). That blister represents that I have made progress. I feel good enough to walk, and bike, and even run! (We didn't want to be late meeting Brent for lunch, he was buying...).

Painful things can be beautiful. Pain can produce in us things we never thought possible. Pain is also part of our story.

Last night we had the privilege of hearing an insider's interview of Louis Zamperini- the subject character of the movie "Unbroken". It was powerful. The speaker asked the crowd who had experienced struggles recently, many people raised their hands. He then proceeded to read the laundry list of horrific things Louis had experienced (including dashed Olympic hopes, plane crash, 47 days starving at sea, being a POW of the Japanese and tortured for 2 years, post traumatic stress disorder, alcoholism, then Jesus), showed us a video clip of Louis at age 93 smiling and quoting Romans 8:28 "And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him...", and asked us again if we had "problems".

Perspective- that's what it is. Hearing about someone else's pain does not minimize my own, but it helps to keep it in perspective. Evaluating my own pain in terms of how I can grow, how I can use it to point others to Jesus, and how it contributes to the kingdom keeps it all in check. Remembering that I am not the only person on earth who feels pain is a good habit to be in as well- perspective.

Today, a sweet friend that I did not know for nearly long enough lost her battle with cancer. Whether she meant to be or not, she was part of my story. She and her husband were some of the first people I ran into, in a parking lot, right after receiving my diagnosis. She helped me to process the whole "What do I do with this information?" question. We crossed paths, again in a parking lot the day before my second surgery. She had just finished another chemo treatment and was going to Target because "It's fun to go to Target!". Such a good reminder to me to keep living, not just staying alive. Her grace and dignity as she walked a road much more treacherous than mine were inspirational. She relentlessly lived a life of worship regardless of her physical state. Even in the midst of her tremendous suffering, she somehow always managed to ask me how I was doing before I could even get out a proper greeting. I am heartbroken for the loss that her husband and daughters are carrying today. I am thankful for the complete healing she received today, that she may never have found on earth regardless of how many treatments she endured. I am so humbled to have known her. Perspective.

So today, I feel pain- Both physical and emotional. But, I know that it is not without purpose and I choose joy. I will be thankful- even for that blister and all that it represents.  

Sleep is a Terrible Thing to Waste

If the time stamp on this post is any indicator then I, a normally deep and profound sleeper, might be suffering from a round of insomnia. In fact, I might be kind of panicking a little... The source of this anxiety is probably not what you'd expect. Health-wise I am on track. Friday I met with doctor #4, the oncologist, and he confirmed the remainder of my treatments to be what we expected. Everything should be finished by mid-September. He even said that the radiation will seem easy compared to what I've already been through with the surgeries.

No, what my health has given me is not what is troublesome tonight- it is what my health has taken from me that I'm struggling with. This whole cancer thing has taken 6 weeks of my life and held them hostage. Here is why it's a problem- my life is pretty full and heavy without being ill. There aren't usually enough minutes in the day to attend to everything that I have to give an answer for without having to stop and be sick. I haven't had a choice but to "be still" and ride this thing out. My positive outlook on it all has not been manufactured, I sincerely know and believe that God uses all things to point us back to himself. Today just happens to not be a sunshine and roses kind of day. Maybe you can relate?

Why, suddenly, am I worried about getting stuff done? Because I am heading back into the office this week to gear up for the new school year to start, and the lists in my brain are too big! I've started taking account of the things I had hoped to chip away at this summer that I have not even glanced at and my stomach is churning. The realization of how much needs to be done and how much of it depends on me is a bit much today. I want those 6 weeks back!!

There is a war within me that simultaneously says, "Show up and go, you've got this" and "You're going to forget something and it will be disastrous." I know, full well, where those two different voices are coming from. Scripture clearly says that I am not supposed to worry about tomorrow because today has enough troubles of it's own (Matthew 6:34). Jesus says not to be anxious about things of this world because, does he not take care of even the birds (Matthew 6:26)? Yet satan wants to rob us of those assurances and he goes straight for our weak spots, doesn't he? In my case the enemy is tapping into my insecurities of not measuring up, not being perfect, of possibly (gasp) not getting to everything on MY list! The black hole of self-doubt makes me want to put the covers over my head indefinitely, even though sleep eludes me.

I may not be able to end this post with definitive "answers" for what I am struggling with tonight. I think that is ok. I will, eventually, fall asleep. I will go to my office and start making lists and try to put my brain back into functioning order. I will enlist others to help (so much for stubborn pride). School will start in 4 weeks whether I feel ready for it or not, after all it isn't all about me! I will lean on the promise that with God all things are possible- even the things of my everyday life. He knew, long before I did, what the landscape of my summer would look like. He didn't rearrange things to make it easier. But, He also never asks me to do any of this alone.

I have to agree with Snoopy, his theology is pretty solid on this one- losing sleep because you're worried is pretty terrible.

How will they know?

Have you ever been shown a kindness by a stranger and, later, desperately wished you could show them proper gratitude? Well, I got the rare opportunity this week to double back and thank some very special 'strangers' who stepped up and became part of my story this summer.

If you remember, one month ago from my hospital bed I sent a reluctant Brent, Blake, & Paige off to camp in San Diego less than 48 hours after surgery #2. A gutsy move? Maybe... But I didn't doubt for a moment that they were absolutely supposed to go. (You can read Brent's thoughts about this here brentdeffenbacher.blogspot.com June 17). 

Upon their arrival, they were lavished with love and encouragement by the staff of Hume SD (strangers). They may have just been doing their jobs- but those (strangers) who stepped up and not only distracted my 3 for a week, but filled up their love tanks, were an answer to my specific prayer from just days before... Lord, carry my loved ones through this. 

Fast forward to four days ago when I walked into the Hume SD offices and got to, in person, say thank you to these precious people. They were all new faces to me and yet, they embraced me like a long lost friend. Their love was evident, felt, and deeply appreciated.

This season in our lives has prompted many sweet and meaningful conversations with my children. The topic of one of these discussions included the fact that people who don't know Jesus are always watching us to see what's different. How are we going to carry ourselves in such a way that they will know we are set apart? How will what's different about us draw them in rather than push them away? There is an answer to this question found in John 13:34-35, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (NIV) 

In case anyone doubted it... The Hume SD staff MUST be Christian because they sure know how to love! After watching them in action this week I am so impressed by how they 'live love'. There IS something different about the way they interact with the people they come into contact with and, believe me, it hits the target. 

Yeah, my family may have had some exceptional circumstances heading down here but I am convinced that they lavished love on us not because of my illness- rather in spite of it! When the opportunity came for the four of us to return to Hume SD this week it was a unanimous yes!!

How amazing would it be if we, in all of our contexts, sought to create a sense that people are loved and welcomed and wanted? I am pretty sure that my family members weren't the only hurting souls that wandered into camp that/this week. I'm positive we aren't the only ones who walk away encouraged. Everyone has a story. Everyone has somewhere they've just been and somewhere they're headed to. Everyone has things that bring them joy as well as burdens that threaten to steal that joy. 

Dare to be different today. Dare to ask how someone is doing and wait for the (real) answer. Welcome strangers like they are long lost friends. Love like you've got nothing to lose. You never know the difference you might be able to make.

Those of us who have found ourselves on the receiving end of this kind of love have noticed the difference and it has made a world of difference! #thankful

Birthdays and other such challenging occasions...

Well, I TRIED to take my birthday off of social media but somehow the word got out. Yes- today is my birthday and I guess I can't be in denial about it. Someone asked Brent a funny question the other day, they asked which "39th" birthday I was having. For the record this is my FIRST 39th birthday. And yes, I know what comes next...

I am humbled and appreciative of all of your kind words and birthday wishes. As a person who doesn't like to be fussed over, this past month has been an embarrassment of riches with so many people reaching out to me and my family. One of the most interesting observations that has been shared with my family, about me, is that I am such a "strong person". Funny how others see in us, things that we don't often see in ourselves. Maybe I am strong because I choose to share my journey? Or because I get up and go each day? Or?? I don't really see any other option for myself at this point. I wouldn't know another way to be.

Since today is my birthday, I got to thinking about the day of my birth. I don't know much about that day except that I was 3 weeks early and a lot smaller than people wanted me to be. Despite those two odds being stacked against me, I went home the next day. I guess I started out "strong". Right around my 18th birthday I had one of my first health scares that could have cost me the ability to have children. My two victories over that milestone are looking at me as I write (c'mon mom... get off the computer!). Just before my 20th birthday I made one of the best decisions of my life and said yes to marrying the perfect man for me. I couldn't imagine doing life with anyone besides my Brent! 2 years ago right around my birthday we were tearfully, yet with great anticipation saying good bye to our friends in Oregon. I year ago on my birthday I accepted the job as the principal at Fresno Christian school. This birthday I am celebrating that YES I am having another birthday and plan to have many more! I've had a bunch of eventful birthdays.

After any big life event (birth, death, diagnosis...) milestones (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays...) take on new meaning. We have new appreciation for them, and I use the word appreciation in its broad sense. To appreciate something means to regard it with heightened feeling. Sometimes those feelings will be good- First _______ with ______. Sometimes they will be sentimental or painful- First ________ without _______. Each of these scenarios challenges us to lean into what we are feeling. We must allow ourselves to celebrate or to grieve as the occasion allows. Sometimes, we will feel all of the above and that is ok too. The Lord made us, he made our feelings, he rejoices and grieves with us. He too marks our days and seasons of life because he knew them before we came to be.

So, on this my first birthday with cancer, my first birthday without a thyroid I will choose to APPRECIATE all that it has to offer. Regardless of how many birthdays the Lord allows me, today is the day that He has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it! Best "39th" birthday I've ever had.

Sing a New Song

I sang my first solo in church when I was 4 years old. My dad sat me on top of the piano and, because I didn't want anyone looking at me, I faced the front of the church and sang "Love Is" to the stained glass window. Thus began my illustrious career as a singer (yes, I would still prefer it if no one looked at me while I sing!). Music has always been part of my life- where I serve, where I find connection, a source of joy. 

Many of you may have first (or only) known me as "that girl who sings". So, it may surprise you to know that, for a variety of reasons, singing hasn't really been happening for me these past two years. On my best days I've viewed it as a season where God is choosing to use my 'other talents' and I've recognized that the demands of my job don't really leave a lot of space for anything extra. On the challenging days,I must admit, it has felt like a part of my heart may have gone missing. 

Suffice it to say, the fact that I was placed on the schedule to sing with one of our dear local church families this next Sunday is something I've been looking forward to for several months. When I accepted the request, I knew about surgery #1 and didn't have too many reasons to believe that it would be an issue. Well... Add surgery #2 and the ensuing processes and let's just say I sorely underestimated the toll all of this would take on my voice. 

My friends on the team have been very gracious as I've waited and tested the waters of singing again. Although my range improves daily, the number of neck muscles that must be engaged to produce anything of quality is exhausting. Yesterday I had to make a humbling and disappointing decision- my voice is not yet ready to lead worship for 4 services in one day. Yes, I might have cried a little. Had I been able to pull it off, I would have been singing in church one month to-the-day after surgery #2. (BTW: Longest month EVER). It would have felt like a small victory over the circumstances.

As I've processed this, there is a tune (ironically from a season of ministry Brent and I spent at this church) that I can't get out of my head. The song comes from Psalm 40 and was made famous by the band U2:

" I waited patiently for the Lord, He inclined and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit, out of the miry clay. And I will sing, sing a new song.... How long, to sing this song?... I will sing, sing a new song."

I am reminded today, that my life is always a song. Within single songs there are changes of key, tempo, volume, instrumentation, etc. that give it variety and make it sweet to different listeners' ears. Multiply that by the number of songs in this world and I can't help but realize that even though my 'song' is not what I am used to singing right now, God IS using my voice in a different way- maybe to reach a different audience.

I will choose to be patient with this healing process, even though it's the pits. And, in the meantime, I will "Sing, sing a new song."