Picking Up The Mat

You may be surprised to know that today, 3 weeks to the day after receiving my diagnosis, I am 2 days into a 4 day work conference in Southern California. I do realize the irony that my previous post was about being still and resting... In response I will quote the '60's rock group The Byrds and, more importantly, the writer of Ecclesiastes by saying, "To everything there is a season...". I find myself in a transitional season of needing to both be still and to just get up and go!

There is something very therapeutic about feeling well enough to be sitting in this seat. Not only is it satisfying to know that I'm going to be better at my job because of this, it is a bit of a victory to be up and out. I made a statement on facebook last week that I am choosing to live by, "Having a sickness does not automatically mean that I have to be sickly." Yes, there will be days that I just don't feel good and being still is the only option. But, other days when I feel good I want to make sure that I am enjoying life and/or getting things done!

What is your struggle? Try putting it into that statement...
Short Temper/angry?
Depression/sad?
Financial issue/poor
Anxiety/nervous
Insecurity/lonely
Fear/afraid
etc.

"Having a _______ does not automatically mean that I have to be ______________."

Let's talk for a moment about someone in the Bible who really had a struggle... He couldn't walk (he was lame- I can identify with being "lame" once in awhile, how about you? Pun. Intended.) Bear with me because my theology might break down a little. This guy got healed and some of us may be FAR FROM healing. But, as long as we are in process there is a nugget here that I am taking hold of. This guy had a struggle that he brought to Jesus. Let's focus on what Jesus said to him as he did it, "Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”" (John 5:8) Jesus was the son of God. He could have just said get up and walk, but he didn't- he added that pick up your mat part. That mat represented something, it represented what Jesus had freed him from. It was a reminder of where he had been before he gave that struggle to Jesus. When people asked him about why he was still carrying the mat it became a perfect opportunity for him to tell people about what Jesus had done. Having a mat did not automatically mean that he was still lame!! It was a symbol of how far he had come!

So here I am at PowerSchool University (promising to take a nap if I need it) and I have picked up my mat. I will sit on that mat and tell someone about it if needed, but my mat does not define me. What is your  mat? How will you use it, today, to point to Jesus?

Just BE STILL!!

 To have to admit that blow-drying my hair this morning was one of the most exhausting things I've done all week is embarrassing. To grasp the depth of this, you must understand a few things about me as a person. I have a very difficult time being ok with unfinished tasks, therefore I hold myself (and usually only myself) to a high level of expectation. I do not go to bed without all of the dishes being done. It is preferable that all laundry be done and put away on the same day. When I move (in case you forgot how regular an occurrence this is for the Deffenbacher family, we recently settled into house number 10), all boxes are unpacked and taken to the recycler by day two. I make a concerted effort to not be sitting down when my husband comes home from work- I want to at the very least give the impression that I have been exceedingly productive while he was away. A bit much? Yes. Can I help it? Not often. So, back to my original statement... The fact that simple grooming tasks WIPE ME OUT has the potential to be a huge discouragement! 

The familiar and repetitive song, "Be Still And Know That I Am God" (you're welcome to those of you who won't be able to get it out of your head for the next hour) has been singing itself to me. Often we think about that stillness being a stillness of mind and heart so we can focus on God- I'm totally ok with that concept. Where it takes on new meaning right now is that I must PHYSICALLY be still too. In that process, the Lord is healing me- mind, body, and soul.

My husband is very sweet. He knows my struggle in this department and has taken up pointing out how proud he is of me when I choose to sit (rather than nagging me to "take it easy"). He smiled when I typed up and posted instructions for how I want the laundry to get done (see photo). He doesn't speak his usual protests when I say yes to someone's offer of a meal (we don't like to put people out AND some of us have food issues...).

So, this does not mean that none of my to-do list will get to-done, it just means that I need to edit my list. I will put the most important things at the top. I will take a few off (there is always next Summer!). And, I will be more creative about how some of those things get done... That little gardening project I was dreaming up? A timely birthday next month will provide the funds for me to sit by the window and watch my landscaper put it in for me! 

I'm still not very good at asking for help (unless I can find a way to pay you for it), but I'm much better at allowing people to help. Reader beware- you are NEVER obligated to give me ANYTHING, but  if you plan to offer I probably won't be polite enough to turn you down! At least for the next little while.

On a nuts and bolts note- I had a very helpful doctor appointment this morning. The quick of it is that I do not have to spend the summer without thyroid replacement hormones and can begin taking them tomorrow morning. Everything else stays the same, but I do not need to sit around waiting for the misery to strike. This is such good news. Don't worry, I am still committed to getting the rest that I need- I'm just happy that it will be by choice rather than by having no other option. If you see me doing more, count it as progress- not me "overdoing it". 

I promise to BE STILL in a way that I never have before, knowing that it is producing in me many things that the Lord already had in mind.

Unexpected Gifts

Gifts are great. Gifts mean that someone loves us and that they want us to know about it. I've been on the receiving end of some pretty great gifts recently, including but not limited to: cards, kind words, FOOD :-), flowers, rest, grace, and suffering.

Yes, you read that correctly, I consider even the suffering to be a gift. While I certainly do not want to live my life crisis to crisis, this most recent turn of events has forced me to slow down (which I have not had the opportunity to do in several years). In the quiet of the "slow" things take shape and come into perspective. I was given the gift of time with 2 sweet friends this past week who have each had their own "this doesn't make sense" seasons in life. We spent time talking through those- not by way of commiserating, but rather to reminisce about how precious these opportunities of pain can be.

James 1:17 (CEB) says, "Every good gift, every perfect gift, comes from above. These gifts come down from the Father, the creator of the heavenly lights, in whose character there is no change at all." Everything we have is entrusted to us, even the bad stuff. I think about the parable of the talents where 3 separate individuals were given 3 differing amounts of money. The guy who got the smallest amount technically got the "bad gift" in this story. Yet, the expectation was the same for each of them- that they would take what they had been entrusted with and do something better with it. Our lives are not any different.

We have been entrusted with much: families, homes, careers, reputations, callings, possessions, circumstances. The expectation is that we will use each of them to bring honor to the one who bestowed them upon us. I am choosing to view my unexpected "gift" as a blessing. I want my life to point to Jesus, on the good days and especially the bad days. I want to be mindful that it is in these times that the world is watching all the more closely to see what we (as believers) do with what we've been handed. Satan would love nothing more than for God to get the blame rather than the glory for what we are experiencing.

Dear friends, I pray that today would be full of gifts for you- or maybe that you would have the opportunity to appreciate the gifts that have been there all along. If today's gift is unpleasant, take heart (as I do) from the words found in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (MSG), "So we're not giving up. How could we? Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

PS: Special thanks to The Message translation for calling it small potatoes... made me smile!

PPS: BTW and Before you forget I'm still human... Had I been given the choice between this "gift" and the gift of a tropical vacation, I would have a fantastic tan right now! I'm sure that I could have found a way to be thankful for that too. Just keepin' it real! 😜

Got info?

Today's post isn't particularly inspirational. It is just an update. (I know, some of you are tremendously relieved right now... no more of that tear-jerker, have to think about it stuff!!). Last week some pretty heavy news got dumped on us and, like we ALL must do, we went to bed each night woke up each morning (some of us more easily than others) and took what each day brought us.

So far I have had 2 surgeries, the first of which revealed that I have thyroid cancer- we were NOT expecting that! My goal for that first surgery was just to get rid of a sensation that something is stuck in my throat (which has not gone away BTW). The good news about thyroid cancer is that it has a very contained scope of treatment methods and they are 95% successful. That other 5% is usually linked to unrelated health conditions that affect effectiveness.

Now that we have gotten over the shock, and survived the rather traumatic second surgery, we haven't changed our strategy. We are going to take each step as it comes. We are choosing not to over or under think. I was stopped in a restaurant last Thursday by a ministry acquaintance. She saw me and said that she needed to share something with me that was written in a card not yet sent. Her message for me was that the words "What if..." are not from the Lord. I am clinging onto that. Wondering "What if..." about what has already happened opens the door for blame casting or doubt. Wondering "What if..." about anything beyond today (treatment, plans, work, prognosis) robs today of it's joy. 

Without any what-if's, here is the scoop on what happens next. It is pretty uneventful, so don't expect another one of these for awhile! The second set of pathology reports did not make things better or worse. The course of treatment was the same either way. Now that the thyroid is removed we must wait 4-6 weeks for my body to be depleted of thyroid hormone (basically I will spend the summer being tired, cold, fat, and grumpy- doesn't that sound fabulous?). This unpleasant process is how they confirm that they removed all of the offending tissue. Even a small remnant of the original thyroid will continue to feed the cancer. Next, I will be given a small dose of radioactive iodine and scanned. Thyroid tissue (which the cancer cells are) is the only tissue in your body that absorbs iodine and it does so very readily. All remaining cancer that the surgery missed will soak up the radiation and show up on the scan. This scan will determine the extent of remaining treatment. 

Treatment is a therapeutic dose of radioactive iodine taken in a pill form. It is a very targeted treatment because that radiation will only be sucked up by the cancer. As far as I can tell, I will experience few side effects. The chuckle for today regarding this stage is that the doctor mentioned I would need to stay away from small children for awhile. This is funny for a couple of reasons: 

1. Um... do you KNOW what I do for a living?? Kind of hard to stay away from kids when you're the principal of a K-12 school! Maybe we should fundraise for a special space-suit I can wear to work.
2. I assumed that the separation was to protect me. You know, my immune system or something. Actually it is quite the opposite- I must be isolated to protect all of you from me! I will be a walking A-Bomb for a short period of time. I think my family will have to wear radiation detectors or something. (People- we are talking like I have to sleep alone, eat alone, designate a toilet in my house that only I can use, and put my trash in a special trash bag!). Am I going to glow in the dark?? So. Creepy.

Currently I am on no medications. I do have to take large doses of calcium. I have 2 out of 4 parathyroid glands left (they regulate all of the calcium in your blood) and they seem to be pretty stressed out right now. Weekly blood tests will tell us when/if they start functioning properly. I travel with Tums. When my face tingles or my legs get numb I pop a few and keep going. (Did you know that's what your body does without enough calcium?)

I, very much, look forward to getting the thyroid replacement drugs somewhere around the end of July. If the side effects of the next 4-6 weeks become unbearable I do have some options available. I'll find out more from the endocrinologist next week.

That's the scoop. Many of you have been asking and I'd rather speak when there is something to tell. It is also my heart for you to hear information straight from me which is why I will continue to be pretty straightforward. 

I will conclude with ways you can pray for us:

• sleep (insomnia is a new and unwelcome phenomenon)
• that I would intentionally stay slow (when I feel better I automatically overdo it and it is costly)
• Kids- Praise: are doing well, Prayer: continued perspective and normalcy (also that they would spontaneously learn how to do laundry, wash dishes, and cook).

My words not needed...

I will not be writing my own blog post today- this YouTube link says enough. You will need 6 minutes and Kleenex. A friend sent to me. It was like that moment in church where you feel like the pastor was spying on you all week and wrote the message only for your situation. It's good to remember that everyone around you feels the same way! We all have pain, we all have joy, we all came from somewhere, and we are all headed somewhere. If you needed this message today too, remember you are not alone.

http://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY

http://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY

Clean Hair: A Spiritual Experience

Today's victory... Clean hair! Yes folks, after 5 days of allowing my natural oils to "nourish" my scalp and hair, I couldn't take it any longer!! Bless my sweet mom. I think both of us are glad there were no witnesses or hidden cameras. Trying to wash the (nasty) hair of someone who cannot move their neck OR get that same neck wet is no small task. It was uncomfortable- for both of us! But the result was heavenly. Having clean hair made me feel that much closer to normal. Clean hair may seem small, but today it was huge!

The pure joy I got from having clean hair gave me pause to think about WHY I was feeling that way. Then it led down the road of realizing that without help I couldn't have pulled it off. Washing my hair today was an act of service. Something my mom did for me that may have seemed insignificant but changed the trajectory of my day.

In the Bible they talk quite a bit about foot washing. I'm guessing those stinky sandal feet felt about as gross as my 5-day-dirty head. Rarely in scripture do you hear about people washing their own feet. Rather, foot washing was offered as a service- a sacrifice of convenience and probably a yucky one at that. I'm guessing that the result was not too far off from what I experienced this morning, a new lease on the day. An opportunity to comfortably stay in the community of others without feeling the shame of being unclean.

Isn't that what Christ did for us? Yes, he ended up literally washing a lot of those disciples' feet, but ultimately he served in an even greater way. Jesus offers us a cleanliness that we, on our own, could not accomplish? It came at his personal expense but he offered it anyway because he knew it is what we needed to live a fresh life in Him- as long as we allow him. Today I am thankful for clean hair AND the reminder of what new life in Christ can feel like.

Distinctive Prayers, Difficulties, Drugs, and Dance Recitals

In my super-slumber on Friday I was preparing myself to wake up on Saturday and write this post. Yeah, that didn't happen. Wasn't my favorite weekend. There were a few hiccups. But things are looking up this morning and I'm happy to (finally) put to print that post that my brain has worked on for several days.

I'm most compelled to tell you my thoughts on what I will call "distinctive prayer" this morning. Please don't judge my theology- these are just thoughts. I do believe in the power of prayer, but I am one who approaches my requests cautiously because I am very aware that God is in control. If He is in control, it feels kind of weird to me to tell him (through prayer) how to do his job. With that said, I keenly felt your prayers on Friday. I know that many prayer warriors took my specific fears (neck pain, waking up, and throwing up) and voiced them to the Father and He answered.

I don't generally speak up for myself, but on Friday felt like I should mention to the doctors the tremendous amount of neck pain I experienced from the first surgery. They expressed that, no, that was not normal. They did not sedate me before moving to the operating room (may cause nightmares later- see future posts), and they spent concentrated time talking me through the position of my head and neck to ensure that I was comfortable before surgery. The result has been none of the same neck pain from before!

Waking up from anesthesia is pretty vivid and unpleasant for me. This time, however, I was allowed to wake up slowly and gently. There was no one tapping me and asking me questions. I was almost allowed to "sleep it off". Such a blessing. Part of that usual experience for me includes immediate throwing up (yes... super awful when having throat surgery). No throwing up on Friday.

Saturday was another story... There was plenty of pain, sleeplessness and throwing up on Saturday. But in spite of it all I was well cared for and it did not cancel out the assurance I felt on Friday knowing that our prayers had been answered.

My doctor is a pretty confident guy, and for that I am thankful. Even he was discouraged by the difficulties presented in surgery on Friday. Despite my exterior appearance being good from surgery #1, inside was a different story. I probably pushed myself too hard between Tuesday and Friday of last week and we paid the price. Because of that, I am looking at even stricter recovery policies this time around. SO not cool! He (doctor) called last night with some more not so great news, but it isn't something that can't be managed by a lifetime supply of calcium supplements! Random fact, did you know that when you have low calcium your face gets numb?? Things we never thought we'd need to know or deal with. But, quite obviously, this is a time for me to be still and know that God has surrounded me with people who not only CAN but WANT to help me through this.

Speaking of helpers- huge shout out to "Team Paige" who helped her feel special on Saturday for the dance recital. 9 year old girls  wear their disappointment like a hooded cloak and Paige could not get past the fact that I was not going to be there. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to the friends and family who not only filled the seats for her, but helped her with hair and make up and made her feel like a rock star. She didn't miss a beat!

Well, probably not my most articulate or spiritual post. I will blame the drugs. Thank you for your overwhelming support as we step through this. I think that Paige's face expresses what we all feel right now- Fierce. Watch out cancer, we're gonna get you!!

Feel it, don't BE it

Surgery number 2 is today. In the spirit of being truthful, I've got some feelings about today that I'm not super proud of. I'm still ticked that I have to do this again. Yesterday I talked about plans, there was a great plan in place last time I had surgery (9 days ago) to catch cancer and take care of it. That plan failed us and here we are again repeating the process.

On June 2 there wasn't too much to be afraid of because I had never done it before- ignorance totally was bliss. I woke up that morning not knowing that it would take me 3 hours to wake up, that I would listen to everyone else in recovery eating snacks and partying while I could (literally) not open my eyes. I had not yet experienced the neck pain that far exceeded the pain of the incision. I had not yet had to desperately try not to throw up after having throat surgery. Well guess what, today I know what I am up against and I feel a little bit afraid.

God made my feelings- anger and fear- so they must not be all bad. They just need to be kept in context. I am supposed to feel them not be them. My feelings will not define me. As a really cool paster I know (hint: his initials are BD) likes to say, "Feelings are fickle". They will pass. If they threaten to stick around I have a choice to intentionally move past them. So today, even though I feel fear, I will not be afraid. I will remember that being unhappy about my situation does not change it and I will choose joy.

Watch out blog world, tomorrow I will be on pain meds! I cannot be held liable for what I may or may not say. Love you all. Thank you for joining me in this journey. Thank you for your encouraging words and your prayers.

Plan A(wful)? Plan B(ad)? Plan C(rud)?..... Plan T(rust).

Don't we all love planners? The people who have their next month of meals posted on the refrigerator door, color coded family calendars, and fabulous places to go and things to do. I feel about plans like I do about running. My brain tells me I am a runner, but my body does not seem to have the same idea. In my head I have all sorts of great plans but sometimes they don't materialize they way I had envisioned them. Today I am going to talk a few circles around plans. Bear with me.

I think that the gift of being a "planner" might be a human characteristic that God came up with at least a little bit for his own amusement. He even mentions it in His book (many times). Proverbs 19:21 says it my favorite way: 

"A person may have many plans in their heart. But the Lord's purpose wins out in the end."

Haha human, have fun with those plans! I wrestle with this concept that God gave me a brain and this ability to organize things and make plans and yet, He's going to do what He's going to do regardless of me. Then, I take a closer look at the words of that scripture- many are peoples' PLANS (plural) but God has a PURPOSE (singular). Big. Difference. That tension of my plans and God's purpose is intentional. It is what keeps me on my toes. Plans are not bad, I just must not get so bogged down by my plans that I lose sight if His purpose.

Speaking of plans, here is an interesting thought on 'plans' and my current situation: Over the course of the next several moths there is a definite plan for how I need to proceed and it is largely determined by someone other than me (doctor). Ok, I will sit back and let someone else be my personal planner for now- seems like an ok idea. But, there isn't anyone making a plan for how my kids are supposed to go through this, or my husband. This is backwards. Since when is there a plan for me and not for the rest of them? My plan might include some unpleasant elements, but at least it is organized and well thought out. 

There is no guidebook for how to tell your 9 and 12 year old that their mom has cancer, that the summer is going to look a little different than we all thought it would. Those words taste foul in your mouth. What about the loving husband and dad who not only does his job all day, but is now looking at a summer full of doing MY jobs too. Ugh. This is not a good plan. Normally I am the one who makes the plans for them and those plans usually include things that make their lives better, not worse!

Many of you want to know what I need, how you can be helpful. My own personal needs are pretty minimal. My greatest "need" is to know that my husband and kids are getting the encouragement and care that they need during this time. My Brent, my Blake, my Paige. As different as can be from one another and yet they are my people! Brent likes movies, golf, and words of encouragement. Blake likes to interact with people while working with them (doesn't hurt if they have a dirt bike too). Paige, sweet Paige, is painfully social- loves conversation, crafts, and people. Having a tired mommy for the past week has been a huge bummer for her! 

So, sweet friends, as you continue to lift our family in prayer "plan" is a theme. Obviously, healing is part of the prayer and we can pray for Doctor Hsu and his team who are currently the orchestrators of that plan. More importantly though, for this wife and mama's heart, I covet your prayers for the plans that will be unfolding for Brent and Blake and Paige. Some of you are able to participate, physically, in those plans and I thank you in advance for that. 

Until next time, I PLAN to keep taking this thing one day at a time and today that includes a whole lot of laundry and getting everyone packed for camp next week. Sounds like a good plan to me! Praying for you to find peace in your plans for today and that God's purpose would be evident in all of us.

Three (little?) Words

I process through writing. You are under no obligation to read. Adrenaline made it impossible for me to easily fall asleep last night, so there are 8-10 Blog Posts swimming around in my brain today. I will try to post only 1 per day and keep them on point. I have watched far stronger women climb much steeper paths than the one God has placed me on. (If you don't know what I am talking about, see yesterday's post from Brent's blog here.) I do NOT claim to even touch their strength and I am not out to prove anything except that God knows what he is doing, even when I do not.

There might be days that my candor offends, I sort of apologize and sort of don't. I would rather just speak plainly and hope that there is a little nugget of encouragement in there for someone. If this caught your attention even for a moment, it is because you are part of my little world that spans all over this big world and because of that, know that you are loved.

So- it doesn't take much, does it? A tiny shift in tectonic plates makes the earth tremble for miles. A spark from a train wheel sets a dry pasture on fire. The space between life and death covers but just a breath. Small moments make big differences. I had one of those yesterday.

As an English teacher I am used to using many words. Yesterday it was merely three words that hit their mark. You have cancer. In the 1.5 seconds that it took for the doctor to say that to me, my whole world changed. Or did it?? I didn't feel any different, in fact I actually felt way better yesterday than I did the day before. I didn't look any different, in the mirror I saw the same collection of hair, makeup and wardrobe I had assembled that morning. Those words only made a difference when I believed them, not when I heard them. Isn't our journey with Jesus the same? 3 words, Jesus loves you. You can hear those words, sing those words, read those words hundreds of times and yet they do not make a difference until you believe them.

Three words can be powerful. Especially when you do something with them. I have a feeling that over the next few months I'm going to have quite a few 3-word moments. Here's to hoping that not too many of them include the following: "This day sucks"or "I feel yucky." I prefer "I got this." "Kids are happy." "God is good."

More words to come... Tomorrow.