Better Together

One of the more unpleasant side effects of my radiation treatment is that I have lost the ability to taste food. (Since I know you will ask, it is expected to correct itself in 3-6 months). Yes, it takes 99% of the joy away from the eating experience but that is not my focus for today. In the absence of being able to taste anything there has been a pronounced increase in one of my other sensory experiences- SMELL.

I smell everything with the clarity that I imagine a bloodhound might. I taught middle school for many years and one of my favorite experiences was the drug dog assembly each fall. No matter how many times I heard the same presentation I was fascinated, each time, by how they explained the canine's sense of smell. Where we as humans, under a normal set of circumstances, might smell Beef Stew- the dog smells the individual components of what's in your crock pot (beef, onion, carrots etc.). Yes I am a nerd. Yes I think that is SO COOL.

This morning all of my people slept in and I had a lovely quiet hour to myself. I made coffee, I cooked bacon, and I baked banana muffins. It was gloriously domestic and "normal". Which is a huge comfort for someone like me who hasn't experienced much "normal" in recent memory. I stepped outside for a few minutes and when I returned to the house I smelled each one of those items in a way that I might not have if my taste buds were functioning right now. Want to know something? Because I let it, the experience of SMELLING those tasty things was almost as good as eating them.

Aren't our bodies amazing? One sense is struggling and another steps up to the plate? My sniffer picked up where my mouth wasn't able to this morning and not only was I able to enjoy the experience but it reopened my eyes to the wonder of what God did when He "...formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man's nostrils, and the man became a living person." (Genesis 2:7, NLT). In the Psalms King David expressed, beautifully, what I experienced this morning when he said, "Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex. Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it." (Psalm 139:14, NLT). Despite a body that is, in many ways, broken- today I was given a practical reminder of the miracle of being alive.

Another thought that came to me as I reflected on this experience was the concept of the body of believers. Each of us has different gifting and things to offer in the kingdom as stated in 1 Peter 4:10 (NLT), "God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another." Ephesians 4:16 (NLT) says, "He makes the whole body fit together perfectly, as each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love." God designed bodies (both physical and spiritual) to work together for purposes greater than the individual parts. When those parts work together health and growth happen. Scripture also points out that sometimes individual members of the body will gather up some slack so the other parts can grow (sounds kind of like my nose and mouth coordinating this morning, eh?). Ephesians 4:9 (NLT) talks about this when it points out that, "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed."

Yes, my [physical] body is struggling right now- might be for longer than any of us is comfortable with. But, it is also finding ways to keep going. The stronger parts are filling in for the weak ones. The body of Christ is also rallying at this time in my life. More real, for me, than the physical toll is the mental toll of knowing that some of my "jobs" might be neglected during this time. Guess how many of those things aren't getting done... NONE. I have been surrounded by incredible members of God's body who are stepping up, filling the gaps, making things happen and the experiences are every bit as rich and fulfilling. I am aware that it does not diminish my role/part in the body, but my mind is at ease that while I am temporarily malfunctioning, others are (graciously, joyfully, and willingly) doing their part. The body is still "healthy and growing and full of love." in spite of me. Once again, perspective- it is never all about me!

Never forget, dear friends, that God has designed and gifted you fearfully, wonderfully, and uniquely. These offering are not just for your enjoyment but they bless those around you and, ultimately point back to Him. I am thankful, today, for reminders both practical and metaphorical that there is something bigger to be done and that I get to be a part of it. I am praying the same holds true for you.

If you can't say something nice... (Thanks Thumper!)

Yes, I've been quiet for the last few days. That's been intentional. I've been practicing the advice passed along by the great theologian Thumper from the classic Disney movie Bambi click here

There hasn't been much nice to say about the past week, so I've chosen to say nothing at all.

Throughout the summer (and the whole cancer ordeal) I've done my best to be real yet point things back to Jesus, which should put a positive spin on just about everything we face. This past week it has been difficult to be positive.

I will not point fingers (too much), but I was not very well prepared for this phase of the process. Leading up to the radiation treatment, many of you know that I was not overly concerned and even had plans to get stuff done in the house during the isolation period. My plan to return to work on Tuesday was not me being Pollyanna-ish... it is truly what I was led to believe would happen. The only thing the doctor said about side effects was (and this is the QUOTE): "Some people get a little nauseous, but most people do just fine." The very quick summary of my past week (you're welcome for sparing you the details) is that there was nothing "a little nauseous" about what I experienced (and that side-effect list was much longer and scarier than nausea). What I feel right now, an entire week after receiving the treatment, might be described as "a little nauseous"...

So here I am, on Thursday, still not feeling well enough to go back to full days of work that I planned to return to on Tuesday. Still feeling yucky. And tremendously disappointed.

Then I must stop and think- what am I disappointed about? Disappointed that the doctor gave me bad information? Maybe I misunderstood him or maybe he knew that if he gave me all the details I may not have gone through with the (necessary) treatment.  Disappointed that I missed my (self-imposed) go-back-to-work-day? Everyone in my school community has been tremendously gracious and I seem to be the only one judging myself for going a couple days longer than expected. Re-read last sentence... a couple of DAYS. Some people spend months and even years fighting a whole lot more than nausea for a much less favorable prognosis than what I'm anticipating. Up until this week, cancer hasn't caused me to miss more than half a beat as it relates to my job. Disappointed that my family didn't get much of my attention this past weekend? At last count they were well-fed, had more playdate offers than they could say yes to, went to parties, movies, and probably got to stay up later than I would have allowed. They might want to lock me in my room more often after all of that fun!

Brace yourself, here comes that word I keep coming back to... PERSPECTIVE. Perspective does not cancel out what we will experience in this life (both good and bad), it just forces us to hold all of it lightly. Perspective says, "Look outside of yourself, look outside of your situation, remember that it is not all about you." What happens when I get my eyes off of myself? Where do I put them? I need to put them on the one who created me, who allowed my situation, and who ultimately holds ALL results in the palm of his hand.

2 Corinthians 4:18 (NLT) says, "So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we can see will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." Those words come from the Father. He says, if you're only talking about what's here (and it isn't nice) you aren't following my best for your life. Don't talk about it and focus on it. Look to something better. Look to My big picture for your life. Trust that I am using this in My story that is being lived out through your situation.

When the Father speaks, I should be listening. It isn't included in the video clip I put in at the beginning, but Thumper's mother has a saying of her own, "Thumper, what did your father tell you about _________?". If you need a smile today, if you need a fun reminder of why we should listen to The Father's words for our lives- go ahead and watch this. Thumper's father had a lot of great things to say and so does our (heavenly) Father.

My Heavenly Father is reminding me today that "I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. [and this part of it is but a blip on the radar screen]" Jeremiah 29:11 (with my takeaway added at the end).

Be encouraged, dear friends, that our "... present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!". Praying for you, that you will have nice things to say about today!

Playlist for Radiation Day

“It’s today, it’s today it’s today!”- The opening line from Stuart Little keeps running through my mind. Except, I think that George Little (who has been eagerly anticipating the day his family adopts a sibling for him) might have a little bit more excitement in his voice than I would have if I tried waking my family up that way today. Why? because today is THE DAY. Radiation day. It is pretty easy to speak bravely, optimistically, nonchalantly, (insert your own adverb) about an event like this that is 2 months or even two weeks off. But, when that same event is 2 hours away- some of the resolve crumbles a bit.

I’ve been kind of weepy this week (SO embarrassing). I am 90% blaming it on the special diet I’ve had to follow. Who wouldn’t cry when you are so hungry?? Every time someone has said they were praying for me or looked me in the eye and asked me how I was doing, yep I cried. Sitting down with Brent on Sunday afternoon to script out the driving, kid watching, meal preparing, and sleeping arrangements for the whole week and especially the next 4 days made it all way too real. I am thankful for the wise, but simple truth that a friend spoke to me this morning, “Just think, one week from now this should all be over.”

That’s the plan, sweet friends, one and done. Although there is a small part of my heart that is bracing itself to be ready IF we need to do this more than once or it doesn’t go well, the plan is to do this part one time and be cancer-free in just a few short weeks.

What does today hold? Since I am musical, and everyone loves a good soundtrack I thought I would give you the rundown in the form of my “Playlist For Radiation Day”. For copyright reasons I did not put links to the songs, although that would have been fun. ** Disclaimer: Several songs were selected based on title alone... listen at your own risk!

2:00 am “Hungry Like The Wolf” Duran Duran (Again, special thanks to my low-iodine diet)

5:30 am “Tired” Adele (ALWAYS when the alarm goes off, even more so without a thyroid)

7:30 am “Happy” Pharrell Williams (Waving to parents and students in FC parking lot)

9:00 am “Bye Bye Bye” N’Sync (Leaving work for the last time this week)

9:15 am “I’ve Got a Question” Naked Brothers Band (Stopping by the endocrinologist on the way to the radiological oncologist- try saying that 5 times fast)

10:00 am “Radioactive” Imagine Dragons (Swallowing the capsule sized A-bomb)

11:30 am “Dirt Road Anthem” Jason Aldean (Driving back out to the country- home)

12:00 pm “All By Myself” Celine Dion (No one’s here, that’s how it has to be!)

12:00-4:00 pm “Sick” Evanescence (Yes, nausea is a common side effect)

   “Toxic” Brittany Spears (Right about now, I should start to glow)

12:00-8:00 pm “All Alone” Fun (Again, there should be no one but me in this house!)

8:00 pm “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” The Police (Kids walk home from grandma’s to go to bed, I will do my best not to slobber or sneeze on them when saying goodnight)

9:00 pm “Fight Song” Rachel Platten (I plan to lay down, sleep, and let my body fight while at rest… good plan, huh?)

10:30 pm “Your Side of the Bed” Little Big Town (Let’s just say, Brent is less than pleased about the sleeping arrangements for the next few nights. Your thyroid says, “Thank you” honey- see you again soon!)

On Repeat for 3 more days: “Radioactive” (reprise)- Imagine Dragons

It’s a little silly, but true to form I’m trying to have some fun with a not-so-fun situation. It’s going to happen with or without a smile and maybe even a few laughs. Thanks for smiling with me today and believing with me for happier playlists to come!

The Source of My Strength

It' s been a few weeks. Sorry! In the time since I last sat down to write I've gone back to the office full-time, made sure some sweet friends had a beautiful wedding equal only to their beautiful story (in UTAH), processed 128 student schedule change requests, hosted 150 for dinner at my house, facilitated teacher-week at school, somehow got my own children ready for school to start, AND managed to get 470 students (their families) & 50+ staff navigated through the first week of school. Just a couple of weeks in my tornado... I mean life.

I have such interesting interactions with people these days- some who know what my summer entailed and some who are just finding out. Most often, these are incredibly encouraging and uplifting conversations. A common thread, after agreeing that we are thankful I am able to continue on in my role as school principal, is some sort of amazement that I am able to do all of it. I share this sentiment. The list of what I've done recently is not to toot my own horn but to say that I, too, have a sense of awe at what only God's grace has allowed me to do and to become.

In California, as we continue to suffer severe drought, the issue of water and wells is a sensitive one. We are living out on the ranch next to my parents and our houses share a well. Several weeks ago we had a petty good scare as it relates to our source of water. My dad (in the wee 'farmer hours' of the  morning) discovered that there was no water coming into the house. This is BAD. There are logical consequences: flushing (go outside boys!), washing (dishes, bodies, clothes, houses), drinking. These are the things we must live with while we discover the source of the problem: Did the pump go out? Did the water table drop below the pump line? Did the well GO DRY?

Any one of the potential issues with a well spells trouble. Of course, we will naturally jump to worst case scenario (we are, after all, human). If that well is dry we are toast. In the valley, families are on waiting lists months long to pay tens of thousands of dollars to dig new wells. Water is necessary for life. What will we do?? The other two problems: low water or broken pump, although easier to fix, would still be expensive and require an available pump company... in a valley wracked by drought. Read to the end to see how this ended!

As I (I will admit) freaked out a little these past weeks about how stuff was going to get done in a season where I have been more tired than I've ever been in my life- there is no explanation for how it got done except that my "well", my source of strength was tapped in a way that it has never been tapped before. Each of us has a "well" that we rely on. As believers that "well" is God, the source of our life hope and strength. In the same way that our family's water-well needed some maintenance, our spiritual wells may need some attention from time to time too.

What do we do when we feel spiritually dry? When that living water doesn't seem to be running through our pipes as freely as it once did? We need to assess the issue:

1. Did the pump (my desire and effort to seek that water) go out?
Have I been going after God with everything I have or is there something that needs to be repaired? One of the gears? (motivators) Is there something stuck in there (distractions)? Have I not been following the scheduled maintenance plan (time with God, study of his word, fellowship with other believers, giving back through my time talent and treasure) and the pump is asking for attention?

2. Does that water seem far away?
I don't know all of the technicalities of wells, so bear with me on this one... One option was that the water and the pump were not near enough to each other to make meaningful contact- the solution was to move that pump closer to the water and re-prime the pump. The water was still there, it just needed to be accessed again. There are times in our spiritual journey where we feel distant from God. He is still there, we just need to move back into proximity with him. We make contact with him, sometimes in a new context or scenario, and the spiritual water once again becomes the source of our strength.

3. Is that well dry?
Maybe you've not ever drunk from the well that offers satisfaction not found anywhere else in this life. Maybe you've been seeking strength, life, cleanliness, and hope somewhere other than in God. It is time to dig a new well. It may be costly. You may have to give up a location or a route or a habit but, in turn, you will be finding your satisfaction and rest in the well that promises to never run dry.

Jesus said in John 4:14, "But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life."

So, just HOW have I managed, despite the odds, to keep going? Only by going to the source. On the days where I feel a bit dry- if you will- I do a heart check. Am I remembering the tremendous resource I've been given through new life in Christ? The song running through my mind right now says "Christ is enough for me...". Truly he is. "I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back no turning back...". Whatever may come.

How did the story end for our H2O issue? The pump needed to be moved closer to the water (sounds easier than it actually was) and within the span of a few minutes the water was once again flowing into our homes. Was it a stressful day? Yes! Did it end well? Yes! And, it gave me another great way to take something from the day and use it to point back to Jesus. It never ceases to amaze me how it all points back to Him!

My prayer for you is that, in the same way that I have experienced His refreshment grace and strength these past months and weeks, you will remain close to the source and that it will sustain you each day. In the same way that we are going to keep a closer eye on that water well between our houses, we should all hold to the truth found in Proverbs 4:23, "Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flows the springs of life."

Thank you, God for... Blisters.

I have an awful blister between my ring toe and my middle toe on my left foot. It hurts like no one's business. And yet, I am thankful for that blister. You know why? Because that blister represents the 13 miles I have covered these past 3 days (3 by bike, the rest on foot). That blister represents that I have made progress. I feel good enough to walk, and bike, and even run! (We didn't want to be late meeting Brent for lunch, he was buying...).

Painful things can be beautiful. Pain can produce in us things we never thought possible. Pain is also part of our story.

Last night we had the privilege of hearing an insider's interview of Louis Zamperini- the subject character of the movie "Unbroken". It was powerful. The speaker asked the crowd who had experienced struggles recently, many people raised their hands. He then proceeded to read the laundry list of horrific things Louis had experienced (including dashed Olympic hopes, plane crash, 47 days starving at sea, being a POW of the Japanese and tortured for 2 years, post traumatic stress disorder, alcoholism, then Jesus), showed us a video clip of Louis at age 93 smiling and quoting Romans 8:28 "And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him...", and asked us again if we had "problems".

Perspective- that's what it is. Hearing about someone else's pain does not minimize my own, but it helps to keep it in perspective. Evaluating my own pain in terms of how I can grow, how I can use it to point others to Jesus, and how it contributes to the kingdom keeps it all in check. Remembering that I am not the only person on earth who feels pain is a good habit to be in as well- perspective.

Today, a sweet friend that I did not know for nearly long enough lost her battle with cancer. Whether she meant to be or not, she was part of my story. She and her husband were some of the first people I ran into, in a parking lot, right after receiving my diagnosis. She helped me to process the whole "What do I do with this information?" question. We crossed paths, again in a parking lot the day before my second surgery. She had just finished another chemo treatment and was going to Target because "It's fun to go to Target!". Such a good reminder to me to keep living, not just staying alive. Her grace and dignity as she walked a road much more treacherous than mine were inspirational. She relentlessly lived a life of worship regardless of her physical state. Even in the midst of her tremendous suffering, she somehow always managed to ask me how I was doing before I could even get out a proper greeting. I am heartbroken for the loss that her husband and daughters are carrying today. I am thankful for the complete healing she received today, that she may never have found on earth regardless of how many treatments she endured. I am so humbled to have known her. Perspective.

So today, I feel pain- Both physical and emotional. But, I know that it is not without purpose and I choose joy. I will be thankful- even for that blister and all that it represents.  

Sleep is a Terrible Thing to Waste

If the time stamp on this post is any indicator then I, a normally deep and profound sleeper, might be suffering from a round of insomnia. In fact, I might be kind of panicking a little... The source of this anxiety is probably not what you'd expect. Health-wise I am on track. Friday I met with doctor #4, the oncologist, and he confirmed the remainder of my treatments to be what we expected. Everything should be finished by mid-September. He even said that the radiation will seem easy compared to what I've already been through with the surgeries.

No, what my health has given me is not what is troublesome tonight- it is what my health has taken from me that I'm struggling with. This whole cancer thing has taken 6 weeks of my life and held them hostage. Here is why it's a problem- my life is pretty full and heavy without being ill. There aren't usually enough minutes in the day to attend to everything that I have to give an answer for without having to stop and be sick. I haven't had a choice but to "be still" and ride this thing out. My positive outlook on it all has not been manufactured, I sincerely know and believe that God uses all things to point us back to himself. Today just happens to not be a sunshine and roses kind of day. Maybe you can relate?

Why, suddenly, am I worried about getting stuff done? Because I am heading back into the office this week to gear up for the new school year to start, and the lists in my brain are too big! I've started taking account of the things I had hoped to chip away at this summer that I have not even glanced at and my stomach is churning. The realization of how much needs to be done and how much of it depends on me is a bit much today. I want those 6 weeks back!!

There is a war within me that simultaneously says, "Show up and go, you've got this" and "You're going to forget something and it will be disastrous." I know, full well, where those two different voices are coming from. Scripture clearly says that I am not supposed to worry about tomorrow because today has enough troubles of it's own (Matthew 6:34). Jesus says not to be anxious about things of this world because, does he not take care of even the birds (Matthew 6:26)? Yet satan wants to rob us of those assurances and he goes straight for our weak spots, doesn't he? In my case the enemy is tapping into my insecurities of not measuring up, not being perfect, of possibly (gasp) not getting to everything on MY list! The black hole of self-doubt makes me want to put the covers over my head indefinitely, even though sleep eludes me.

I may not be able to end this post with definitive "answers" for what I am struggling with tonight. I think that is ok. I will, eventually, fall asleep. I will go to my office and start making lists and try to put my brain back into functioning order. I will enlist others to help (so much for stubborn pride). School will start in 4 weeks whether I feel ready for it or not, after all it isn't all about me! I will lean on the promise that with God all things are possible- even the things of my everyday life. He knew, long before I did, what the landscape of my summer would look like. He didn't rearrange things to make it easier. But, He also never asks me to do any of this alone.

I have to agree with Snoopy, his theology is pretty solid on this one- losing sleep because you're worried is pretty terrible.

How will they know?

Have you ever been shown a kindness by a stranger and, later, desperately wished you could show them proper gratitude? Well, I got the rare opportunity this week to double back and thank some very special 'strangers' who stepped up and became part of my story this summer.

If you remember, one month ago from my hospital bed I sent a reluctant Brent, Blake, & Paige off to camp in San Diego less than 48 hours after surgery #2. A gutsy move? Maybe... But I didn't doubt for a moment that they were absolutely supposed to go. (You can read Brent's thoughts about this here brentdeffenbacher.blogspot.com June 17). 

Upon their arrival, they were lavished with love and encouragement by the staff of Hume SD (strangers). They may have just been doing their jobs- but those (strangers) who stepped up and not only distracted my 3 for a week, but filled up their love tanks, were an answer to my specific prayer from just days before... Lord, carry my loved ones through this. 

Fast forward to four days ago when I walked into the Hume SD offices and got to, in person, say thank you to these precious people. They were all new faces to me and yet, they embraced me like a long lost friend. Their love was evident, felt, and deeply appreciated.

This season in our lives has prompted many sweet and meaningful conversations with my children. The topic of one of these discussions included the fact that people who don't know Jesus are always watching us to see what's different. How are we going to carry ourselves in such a way that they will know we are set apart? How will what's different about us draw them in rather than push them away? There is an answer to this question found in John 13:34-35, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (NIV) 

In case anyone doubted it... The Hume SD staff MUST be Christian because they sure know how to love! After watching them in action this week I am so impressed by how they 'live love'. There IS something different about the way they interact with the people they come into contact with and, believe me, it hits the target. 

Yeah, my family may have had some exceptional circumstances heading down here but I am convinced that they lavished love on us not because of my illness- rather in spite of it! When the opportunity came for the four of us to return to Hume SD this week it was a unanimous yes!!

How amazing would it be if we, in all of our contexts, sought to create a sense that people are loved and welcomed and wanted? I am pretty sure that my family members weren't the only hurting souls that wandered into camp that/this week. I'm positive we aren't the only ones who walk away encouraged. Everyone has a story. Everyone has somewhere they've just been and somewhere they're headed to. Everyone has things that bring them joy as well as burdens that threaten to steal that joy. 

Dare to be different today. Dare to ask how someone is doing and wait for the (real) answer. Welcome strangers like they are long lost friends. Love like you've got nothing to lose. You never know the difference you might be able to make.

Those of us who have found ourselves on the receiving end of this kind of love have noticed the difference and it has made a world of difference! #thankful